Exactly three people have asked me how I felt about turning 40. In roughly 31 minutes, I'll let you know...
I'm watching LA Ink, eating rice crackers and wondering what the hell is going on in the world. What do I feel about turning 40? Shit, I don't even feel 30 yet. I just recently figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up,.. I have no idea what I feel about turning 40!!!
One thing I can say with certainty is that 2010 is turning out to be one hell of a fucking year. Our world is so radically different from the world of 2000. What were we scared of back then? We were afraid the world would melt when the computers tried to roll the dates over from two digit yearly indicators to four. We were half certain that they would grow legs, and beat the shit out of us. It was sort of a let-down that nothing happened. We had no idea what was around the bend; literally the very next bend!
Whether it's MY age or THE age, what I've noticed most is that everything is 'kicked up a notch.' It sometimes feels like we're all trying to live out our lives in a superlative contest to see who is the biggest, baddest, worst, best, most extreme, least significant. When did that shit start? When did we start living at the speed of binary code? When did we start feeling insignificant without using as many adjectives as possible? I found myself doing exactly that the other day. Instead of just saying I was pissed, I said, "I was so pissed I went out of my mind." First of all, was I really that pissed? Did I really go out of my mind? Of course not. I was just pissed; a natural state of being for me. The moment wasn't any more or less significant than any other times when I was pissed. And, how weak can I be letting myself appear so frail and fragile that I can't tolerate someone not doing what I want? The truth is, our world is lived in the gray area ... for the most part. I mean, we don't have the most extreme things occurring every single day -- not even most days. Our lives are truly lived in the gray matter.
Another thing that has me freaked about middle age is that I'm not nearly as smart as I thought I should be at this point. I thought that, by now, I wouldn't be so easily beguiled by people. I thought, by forty, I would be more circumspect, more wise. But, I'm not. I'm still really naive. That really scares me. Also, I seem to be getting dumber. Ten years ago, I would not have used the word "dumber." Tonight, it seems just right. While my kids move forward at the speed of light, they surpassed my intelligence years ago. They ask me questions that sometimes make me wonder if I really did have my head up my ass all these years. After 40 years, I am still too trusting, too naive, still mired in self-doubt and self-recriminations; basically, I'm still me. And, I've come full circle. The thoughts and dreams I had ten and twenty years ago, have returned to me and I can remember having felt those things the first time around.
I was accused of being hit with a mid-life crisis. No, I'm not. I wasn't. Never happened. If anything, I'm only rediscovering the best and most beautiful aspects of who I've always been. I'm wanting to be unafraid of letting my true colors show. I'm wanting to be accepted for who I am, inside out. I no longer wish to wear the person that others expect me to be. I want to just be and let go of expectations; both theirs and mine. I want to be free. Don't we all? Even here, I haven't blogged in a long time. Wanna know why? It's because I'm afraid. At 39 years old, I've been afraid to speak my mind. Mostly, I was told that we (society at large) are not allowed to speak our mind -- not allowed to without harsh consequences. Even in anonymous ways. The person who told me that said that no one could say whatever they wanted, not ever. And, I've been held by my feetsies over the fire for my words lately. It hasn't been fun at all. In fact, it sucks donkey balls. I hate it. Not being able to speak freely. Being afraid.
I do suppose that is the thing that makes me most igged out about turning 40 (in two minutes). The fact is, after 40 years, I am still afraid. And, still feel the sting of loneliness. I am still not free, and hoping for a place and space to speak my mind freely. I don't want to be afraid anymore. And yet, there it is. The fear that those closest to me, are really going to get me in the end (probably because they have). It's paranoia at its finest and I am truly afraid to be exactly who I am.
CLICK!!!
That's it. I just turned 40 years old. How does it feel? *sigh* It feels empty. It's midnight, my fortieth birthday, my little one's are sleeping and I'm up, alone, at the computer. I sit here with my fears and apprehensions. I sit here with my words, and wonder how my brain could concoct anything that anyone would consider dangerous. I wonder how I can be so affected by others, who are seemingly not affected by me. I wonder at how I can be scrutinized and judged. I wonder about the world, the one I came from, the one I live in now. I wonder about the world my children will head toward. 40 is just plain scary.
Thinking about where I thought our world was headed, I am sad that we missed the mark so badly. And yet, there is hope. Because tomorrow, I'll be forty years old, plus one day. And for 364ish more days, I can still say that I am just 40, and have the whole year to work on creating a better tomorrow, a better world. Today begins and I still can try, can fight to make it what it ought to have been. I can still work to make my life, and the lives of my children better, brighter happier places. I can still work to be a better person; smarter, more compassionate, more aware. Hope, that's my final thought around turning 40... There is hope and love and passion. Most of all, there's still fight inside me. Hello 40,.. I plan on kicking the shit out of you!!!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
The Expendables
Good, happy, funny, light-hearted, exciting, silly.
Those are the words I use to describe this movie. It was simply good happy fun. Of course, you don't sit there wondering about realism,.. although I did ask out loud how Jet Li produced the clip that matched the weapon that wasn't his, out of his own back pocket..... whatever.... thank God he had that extra clip. Just goes to show you: never throw anything away!!!
At a point, you have to start asking when movies got all educational? I just love the movies that have come out this summer (even though I had to endure Eclipse with them...). Sometimes, good clean fun is exactly what the doctor ordered. In a time when I am so sick of self-aggrandizing reality shows where non-heros show us all exactly how unheroic we can be; it's nice to watch a movie about a hero with suspect morals, come to the place where he's challenged deep in his soul, and emerges victorious. He even walks away without the girl!!! So there's a bit of reality dosed in there too!!!
Jason Statham... you my friend, are my hero. Wow. While I did not appreciate the Transporter series (got a bit toooo silly for me), he did superb in this movie. And both Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenneger (sp??) were super cut and looked good for all the 3 seconds they were in the film. Who knew Randy Couture could act??? Awesome job fighter-boy. Seriously, he actually did really, really well. Perhaps Chuck has a future in acting as well, and then we could make a seriously funny movie with Couture, Jackson AND Liddell. Hey, maybe they could be a group of MMA fighters, who get framed for something in Okinawa, and they have to go on the lam, all the while dodging the Yakuza, and trying to find their 'yoda' who will lead them out of darkness.... well I'd watch it,... would even pay.
Jet Li doesn't get a big mention here, but he was awesome. He is, after all, a well-paid actor who's been doing this shit for a long, long time now. And Sly,... wow. I had forgotten that the man is not a brainless brick. He was really good and I was impressed at the range of emotion he showed. All, in all, a GREAT flick.
And that brings me to the idea of all the great flicks this summer. Off the top of my head,... Losers, A-Team, and this movie; The Expendables. Common theme,.. great acting, fun explosions and great action. The hero is still the hero, at the end of the day. And the bad guys are easy to spot and eliminate. That's Americana-Feel-Good right there. It doesn't glorify 'violence' per se,... just the idea that when things go wrong, sometimes you really DO need to blow something up. Society might demand pc, and proper language, and consciensious speech. But, from time to time, the world needs to have its ass swatted.
Those are the words I use to describe this movie. It was simply good happy fun. Of course, you don't sit there wondering about realism,.. although I did ask out loud how Jet Li produced the clip that matched the weapon that wasn't his, out of his own back pocket..... whatever.... thank God he had that extra clip. Just goes to show you: never throw anything away!!!
At a point, you have to start asking when movies got all educational? I just love the movies that have come out this summer (even though I had to endure Eclipse with them...). Sometimes, good clean fun is exactly what the doctor ordered. In a time when I am so sick of self-aggrandizing reality shows where non-heros show us all exactly how unheroic we can be; it's nice to watch a movie about a hero with suspect morals, come to the place where he's challenged deep in his soul, and emerges victorious. He even walks away without the girl!!! So there's a bit of reality dosed in there too!!!
Jason Statham... you my friend, are my hero. Wow. While I did not appreciate the Transporter series (got a bit toooo silly for me), he did superb in this movie. And both Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenneger (sp??) were super cut and looked good for all the 3 seconds they were in the film. Who knew Randy Couture could act??? Awesome job fighter-boy. Seriously, he actually did really, really well. Perhaps Chuck has a future in acting as well, and then we could make a seriously funny movie with Couture, Jackson AND Liddell. Hey, maybe they could be a group of MMA fighters, who get framed for something in Okinawa, and they have to go on the lam, all the while dodging the Yakuza, and trying to find their 'yoda' who will lead them out of darkness.... well I'd watch it,... would even pay.
Jet Li doesn't get a big mention here, but he was awesome. He is, after all, a well-paid actor who's been doing this shit for a long, long time now. And Sly,... wow. I had forgotten that the man is not a brainless brick. He was really good and I was impressed at the range of emotion he showed. All, in all, a GREAT flick.
And that brings me to the idea of all the great flicks this summer. Off the top of my head,... Losers, A-Team, and this movie; The Expendables. Common theme,.. great acting, fun explosions and great action. The hero is still the hero, at the end of the day. And the bad guys are easy to spot and eliminate. That's Americana-Feel-Good right there. It doesn't glorify 'violence' per se,... just the idea that when things go wrong, sometimes you really DO need to blow something up. Society might demand pc, and proper language, and consciensious speech. But, from time to time, the world needs to have its ass swatted.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Tears
I do not know the chemical
Composition of tears
But there must be some salt
And water
Water, because it flows so
Evenly
Neatly from my eyes
Down my cheeks
And off my chin
Salt, because it stings
And tastes salty
Bitter
Like the pain
Warm from the heat off my cheeks
My body must make a lot of it
Because it doesn't stop flowing
There must be too much
In my system
For my body to be getting rid
Of so much
At one time
Composition of tears
But there must be some salt
And water
Water, because it flows so
Evenly
Neatly from my eyes
Down my cheeks
And off my chin
Salt, because it stings
And tastes salty
Bitter
Like the pain
Warm from the heat off my cheeks
My body must make a lot of it
Because it doesn't stop flowing
There must be too much
In my system
For my body to be getting rid
Of so much
At one time
Darkness Overwhelms Me
I step out into the sunlight
But the darkness follows me there,
Pulling at my shirt-tails
I'll never be free
Squinting at the drops of light
Squeezing through the branches
Of the trees
I see what might have been
What once lured passion
From my soul
Now beats and batters my heart
I cry
Real tears run down my face
What might have been
Sunny and happy
Slaps me, tears me apart
Once I held the corners of the world
Sublime perfection and greed
Now I can be bought and sold
Or given away for free
All that I was
Now dissipates into the air
And there is little more
Than a quivering skeleton
Casting all fame and glory aside
Accepting fate, and solitude
As my lover and keeper
Seldom my need
Hardly a loving friend
If ever a friend at all
Loving less than need be
If ever a need there was
Depending on all that is
Sure to fail me
Yet desperately hoping to
Be wrong about the right things
Respecting those houses built on stone
Yearning for the sand
Staying never fleeing
Nor flying; slowly dying
Faithful to that which is
Sure to molest
Will never respect
Nor definitively love
This life
A life long-lasting for sure
Filled with short lives
Of more important characters
More like a play
I am the understudy
Of my own role
An extra in my life
A maid or a lover
A friend and a mother
An object, a thing
To be used, abused and forgotten
Yet loved, somehow
Misunderstanding life
If life ever could
Be understood
If only I had what I needed
To survive my life
To understand the why
Then I might find my life
More worthy to be lived.
I wrote this piece a hundred years ago. Funny as it has become prophetic for me. In fact, nearly twenty years have passed since I first brought pen to paper on this one. And yet, I find that whatever forward motion I have made in my life, I am still here, in this place: confused, hurt, and alone. No wonder I AM ANGRYFACE.
But the darkness follows me there,
Pulling at my shirt-tails
I'll never be free
Squinting at the drops of light
Squeezing through the branches
Of the trees
I see what might have been
What once lured passion
From my soul
Now beats and batters my heart
I cry
Real tears run down my face
What might have been
Sunny and happy
Slaps me, tears me apart
Once I held the corners of the world
Sublime perfection and greed
Now I can be bought and sold
Or given away for free
All that I was
Now dissipates into the air
And there is little more
Than a quivering skeleton
Casting all fame and glory aside
Accepting fate, and solitude
As my lover and keeper
Seldom my need
Hardly a loving friend
If ever a friend at all
Loving less than need be
If ever a need there was
Depending on all that is
Sure to fail me
Yet desperately hoping to
Be wrong about the right things
Respecting those houses built on stone
Yearning for the sand
Staying never fleeing
Nor flying; slowly dying
Faithful to that which is
Sure to molest
Will never respect
Nor definitively love
This life
A life long-lasting for sure
Filled with short lives
Of more important characters
More like a play
I am the understudy
Of my own role
An extra in my life
A maid or a lover
A friend and a mother
An object, a thing
To be used, abused and forgotten
Yet loved, somehow
Misunderstanding life
If life ever could
Be understood
If only I had what I needed
To survive my life
To understand the why
Then I might find my life
More worthy to be lived.
I wrote this piece a hundred years ago. Funny as it has become prophetic for me. In fact, nearly twenty years have passed since I first brought pen to paper on this one. And yet, I find that whatever forward motion I have made in my life, I am still here, in this place: confused, hurt, and alone. No wonder I AM ANGRYFACE.
Amused
Someone tried to use this blog and my other online shit against me. Their claim was that people were reading my shit, and making judgments about them!!! Holy crap Batman. No, no one reads this stupid shitty blog. It's why I write it,.. cause I know no one gives a shit what I write and certainly, no one bothers to read it in the overwhelming ocean that is Blogspot. I mean, seriously,... there are NO indications that ANYONE reads this. So, I'm not really worried about assumptions or opinions.
And I'm certainly not worried about comments...
;-D
And I'm certainly not worried about comments...
;-D
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