I AM BACK

Originally, I had planned to write this epic tome about what respect and civility mean. I wanted to write this amazing piece that would have folks come to a place where they UNDERSTOOD where I'm coming from. You know what? FUCK IT. I CAN NOT "convince" ANYONE of ANY THING. This shit is what it is. Sometimes, things get so broken they can't be fixed. Enough already. I'm tired of living in the epicenter of drama central AND being blamed for it when I never wanted to be there in the first flippin' place. E N O U G H A L R E A D Y ! ! !

Let me say this first and foremost (especially for anyone that followed me here from EP), NO ONE is that I'm a much more cruel and unforgiving critic of ME than you ever could be. Whatever faults or failings you think you see; you don't see half of what I hate about myself. And yet, say whatever the flying fuck monkeys you want to say; I AM A GOOD PERSON, I'm a GREAT mother. I have things I'm working on, and it's in a timeline and a precedence that I have worked out with my care providors so your input as to what YOU think is a priority really doesn't have a voice.

The real point of THIS post today, is to kick things back into gear. I love life, and I am going to move forward and live like I mean, instead of begging permission to be alive on my own terms.

Ironically, You HAVE seen the last of me.

Killing this blog. Sorry,.. nothing to say that won't come back to haunt me. Not much point anyway,.. exactly two people follow this blog, and only one of them reads it. LMAO. So long, farewell, and all that crap.

Haven't Seen The Last Of Me

So, what happens when you reach 40, and you realize that everything is so very different than what you thought your life was going to be? What do you do when you feel like you're down on the ground, crawling around, fighting for a reason to feel alive again? What do you do when people who are glued to you, only want to pour in more epoxy when you're fighting and struggling, just trying to be able to move, fighting to keep breathing under the pressure and the strain? What do you do? What the fuck do you do?

What do you do when you're walking on eggshells; more like land-mines, never knowing which way the next one is going to explode in your face? What do you do when it feels like every single facet of your life is screaming for attention you don't have to give it? What do you do when people are pulling at you, tugging at you, wanting more and more, and you've nothing left to give; there's nothing left to share? You break down. You cry. You ache for a separate peace. You ache for freedom. And no matter what pulls you, and tears you apart, the feeling never really goes away.

I went and saw Burlesque. Cher is amazing and can still make me believe in fairy tales. I assumed Christina was going to bomb, but unlike Mariah Carey, she carried her own weight in this film. It was amazing. I felt with her, and I loved with her. Burlesque has always been something that interested me. Since my college days when Leonard Pronco said that Burlesque was tawdry, pointless voyeurism and had no place in the arts; I've loved it and wanted to see a show very much. I've always done what the critics say isn't proper. Well-mannered women rarely make history,... or so a well-known woman was once quoted. What this movie did to me, and for me was fairly indescribable. But I'll do my best.

"I am down, but I'll get up again." My God, how many times will I have to get up again? You know, I just pump my fists into the air and want to know, how many times do you think you can push me down? How many times am I going to run up against asshats of the world, to be pushed down, kicked around and made to feel like I'm less? How many times am I going to let others make me feel less than what I am? How many times am I going to let them, and him, and you and everyone rob me of the greatness that I am? How many more times? "I was built tough, I'm gonna show you what I'm made of." It seems, I've spent my life showing him, and you, and everyone just how much I can take. I haven't even had a chance to show you just how high I can soar. What can I accomplish, when I finally stop trying to show what I can withstand, and start showing you just how far I can go, how high I can fly? With nothing pulling me down, with nothing throwing me on the ground, how far, how high, just what will I see sailing across the sky? What can I do with my strength, my courage, wisdom, intelligence, vitality, passion... What can I do with my love, if it isn't wasted just trying to survive?

This movie blew me away. And unlike most Hollywood crapvisions, there was no point where the protagonist did that shitty thing and screwed over the people that helped them get to where they were. There was no point where there were broken people doing desperate things. It was just people, rising above where they were, sailing above the shitty things other people do to get ahead. Only Nikki tries to backstab, and it goes horribly wrong for her, but then, that's Karma, right? Christina, Cher, and the rest of the cast truly brought their A-game and this movie is fucking awesome. Uplifting, Americana-feel-good, just a good movie that reminds you, it ain't over, not even after she sings the song that brings you to your knees and reminds you that you're living half the life you were meant for. She's right, I haven't been. Why is that? When did I settle? When did I decided that mediocre was just alright by me? Was it him? Or you? Or everyone? Who told me that this was all I was ever going to get to have? "I left when I looked around, and realized that everyone around me had lives I'd never want to live." Yeah. Exactly.

When the moment in the movie that Cher sings "Haven't Seen The Last Of Me," I cried my face off. I cried for everything I lost along the way. I cried for the lies I believed, and the hurt I'd taken every day of my life trying so hard to be everything everyone wants from me. You all got the best years of my life, didn't you? You got my youth, for what it was worth. Those can't be the best years. Can't be. You, and him, and them, and everyone that says I ought to be happy with this station, this place where I feel so alone; you're wrong. I have a lot more life to live, and a lot more within me than just a survivor. I don't want to just survive you. I want to fly past you, beyond this, right through those clouds and soar right next to the sun.

I am everyone I've ever been, and everything I dreamed of. I lost a lot along the way, but I didn't lose me. In my soul, I'm still here, fighting to breathe, fighting to live. I may be down, but I will get up again. And you have not seen the last of me.

Listen first:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOOYYyJ9C18

Now, read:
Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But i'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

Sorry I've been gone

Do you have any idea what it's been like writing stuff down here, and then having to explain every last word, defend every last word? It fucking sucks. I just couldn't bring myself to sit here and write anything. Deadlines aside,.. having to go toe-to-toe on every word was getting close to enema-level discomfort. For those of you who like that sort of thing,.. suffice it to say that it was unpleasant.

So, onward and upward, Right? I have three posts on deck. YEP!!! Three!!! And they're bound to piss off all of my readers.
hahahahahhahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha

Sorry, I don't have readers. I have two readers. And even THEY don't actually read this stupid thing. But, I have been thinking a great deal about a few topics that are a bit heated. I just want to lay down my thoughts before I forget what I thought in the first place.

But, not to worry, all of you people. hahahahahhaha sorry, just marking a note to myself to get back to work and write in this blog no matter what it costs me.

I love me,.. even when I don't like me much.

Anger Management -- Part 935

*****************WARNING************************

THIS POST CONTAINS FOUL LANGUAGE THAT WILL
MOST LIKELY BLOW YOUR SKIRT UP, SOOOOOOOOO
READER BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While I have really learned some mad skills to deal with frustration and anger, none of my skills have gone very far in PREVENTING the angry feelings in the first place. So many things ignite my fuse: bad drivers; stupid people; parents who treat their kids badly; liars; selfish people. The list could go on and on. What's my particular issue tonight??? Narfbag Asshats

If you are a narfbag asshat, and you know who you are, you are the kind of person that enjoys watching people get pissed off, be unable to cope with their own pissed-offedness, and walk away thrilled that you fucked up some one's night, day, week, month, life. There are some people who are permanent narfbag asshats, and some that play the role at various times in their existence. Sometimes, I find myself wanting to fuck up someone else because they've made me sooooo angry. I guess in those moments, I become a narfbag asshat myself. I'm not happy about that, either.

Why do some people get off on the paltry measure of control they have in this manner? Oh,.. aren't you the cerebral champion, able to ruffle my dainty feathers....? Screw you. And screw the fact that you WANT to cause me pain!!! Actually, I'm censoring myself there. What I truly mean to say is FUCK YOU, and FUCK THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!!!!

There is this movie called "Merlin" with Sam Neil as the title character. In it, one of the characters says this: You must never be rude; being rude is being weak. I want a fucking t-shirt that says that!!! I mean, it sums it all up for me!! Being rude IS being weak. If you can't be polite, then keep your mouth shut. Why must you bother with ME at all??? If I suck as much as you say I do, why bother with me at all? Why do I even register on your radar? Why do you need to comment on me or my life? Who pressed your buzzer?

If you think I suck, stay the fuck away from me. It's what I do... if I don't like you, I stay the hell away from you. Why? BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU. Why would I inflict upon myself the misery of company with a narfbag asshat??? I judge myself harshly enough without your snippets of wisdom. You could never be the critic I have to face every time I look in the mirror so shut your pie hole and keep your crappy comments to yourself.

Anger... anger... anger... it's my biggest failure right now. No, I don't flip right out and punch walls. Not anymore anyway. And, no soda machines either for those of you that actually know me!!! I just see so much senselessness around me. There are so fucking many people that ENJOY causing other people pain. What the FUCK is up with that??? Who LIKES to cause people to suffer emotionally? I watch these fucking narfbag asshats get off wounding other people emotionally and spiritually and I just want to cave in their skulls and pour in Skittles, a rainbow of color. AT least then, as a candy dish, their useless skulls will provide more joy to the world offering tasty candy than the eternal bullshit they shove down people's throats.

Someone recently told me that some people feel better about their own lives, by making others feel pain. Like, they have power because they can exact it over others. You gotta know it's you, man!!! You just HAVE to know that YOU are that person,.. YOU are the THEY. How could you NOT know that you're purposely causing people pain to make yourself feel better about your own pathetic life. I know when I'm doing something shitty... How is it that YOU don't? You KNOW you're doing it, you KNOW it's YOU. Stop being a narfbag asshat and hurting people just to feel better about yourself. Stop being so small minded, selfish and stupid. Don't be a narfbag asshat.

*climbing down off the soapbox*

I'm hungry, think I'll go get some Lucky Charms.

funny aside: the spell checker doesn't recognize Narfbag Asshat!!!!

What Is Love

There are more than a million songs that tell us how to define love. And the books and romance movies. So many thoughts and ideas about what love is, and how it ought to look. We gobble it up... the Disney ideals. Perfect guy, perfect girl, kismet and destiny colliding in a beautiful kaleidoscope of passion and love. Whatever.

What the hell is love, anyway? Sometimes, I wonder if we all aren't searching for what doesn't exist. We compare what we have to our ideals and it often doesn't measure up. Or, we expect what we have to change, so that they become more like our ideals. We often don't measure up to our own personal ideals. Some try to grow and strive toward their ideal self. Some stop having an ideal self. Some make their partner responsible for all that they are not. Is any of that love?

The experiences in my life have led me to these ideas about love:

1. Love makes you more than you were before. Love doesn't rob you of your personal identity. Love doesn't ask you to give up any part of who you are. Love doesn't take away from who you are. Love adds another dimension to who you are. Love increases your positive action on our world. Love raises you up and empowers you. Love does not "complete" you; you are complete in yourself and need no other addition.

2. Love makes you reach beyond your needs and wants to ensure that your mate has all they need and want. Love doesn't have to confess their every need and want all the time. Love isn't preoccupied with ensuring its own satisfaction; instead strives to ensure the satisfaction of their partner. Love puts their partner first. Love, in its completion does strive to achieve their own satisfaction, but not at the expense of their partner. Love does not seek their own gratification first, but yields to the needs of their partner.

3. Love does not recognize the sacrifice, or wallow in the effort. Love does not expect favor for their sacrifices or gestures. Love does not expect recognition for their effort. Love makes sacrifices and puts forth effort with a glad heart and not to gain favor or special consideration. Love gives freely and happily.

4. Love makes you want to be more tomorrow than you were yesterday. Love strives to grow and learn. Love remembers that people change, and therefore, strives to learn their partner anew each day. Love evolves, and changes. Love heals the wounds of the past, lives fully in the present, and plans for the future. Love always takes the time to assess new events and situations. Love is patient. Love strives for balance and peace.

5. Love feels good, and makes you want others around you to feel good also. Love does not hurt or speak cruelly. Love does not lash out and wound with words. Love does not strike physically or seek to harm. When love is hurting, love does not seek to hurt others. When love is joyful, love seeks to share their joy with others. Love allows the negative to dissipate within themselves, while letting the positive to burst forth and multiply to others. Love seeks to share the positive, and eradicate the negative.

There are so many other ideas I have about love, and what it means to me -- what it ought to look like. But, I can sum it up with this phrase:

Love with open arms, open mind and an open heart.

The Balance

And so,
whose reality is real?
What would we do
tomorrow
if we are released
from yesterday?
Would yesterday's sorrows
creep upon us
like shadows growing
in the evening sun?
Would our shadows become
twilight?
The darkness of our lives
it already is
darkness.

Darkness so murky
not as black as nothing.
Nothing is so final as
the end.
Nothing as dark as
dying.
Unfinished work,
dreams not realized;
stopping without having
started.
Failing, without having tried.
Will the darkness be so dark?
Seeking without finding,
not knowing what we seek.
And yet,
tomorrow is our hope.

Our questions
become
the answers
when we know
what we are asking.
Understanding,
like straining for the rope
we cannot reach
stretching,
sweating,
pulse grinding,
reaching every muscle
up, up UP.
And finally we grasp the end
and it lifts us up
swooping suddenly
the rush of wind all around
and we fly.

Complete in the now
the tao
of today.
Moving forward,
circumspect and aware,
gliding through the
crystal waters watching
the ripples multiply
as we move.
In the crisp morning dew
at dawn we see,
but where to go?
Never mind,
just moving along the path;
which path to take?
Our way, your way
my way.

Sanity
like a toddler,
must be watched always;
gently guided,
reminded
of the way.
The right way.
Laughter.
Yes, laugh.
All is well when
the toddler smiles.
Tears,
salt in the tears
must flow
gently now,
everything will be alright.
Yes,
just like a child;
precious and dear
to hold.
The child holds us in the
now,
keeps us sane.

Peace,
at last the comfort
of completion.
Fulfillment;
emptiness replaced
with the accomplishment
of survival.
Peace now,
and rest,
tired eyes,
tired soul;
time for rest.

A dream;
a whisper of
tomorrow.

A song
gently touching
our soul.

A quiet ride
in a canoe
down a softly
flowing river;
rocking to
and fro.

August 2002