So, what happens when you reach 40, and you realize that everything is so very different than what you thought your life was going to be? What do you do when you feel like you're down on the ground, crawling around, fighting for a reason to feel alive again? What do you do when people who are glued to you, only want to pour in more epoxy when you're fighting and struggling, just trying to be able to move, fighting to keep breathing under the pressure and the strain? What do you do? What the fuck do you do?
What do you do when you're walking on eggshells; more like land-mines, never knowing which way the next one is going to explode in your face? What do you do when it feels like every single facet of your life is screaming for attention you don't have to give it? What do you do when people are pulling at you, tugging at you, wanting more and more, and you've nothing left to give; there's nothing left to share? You break down. You cry. You ache for a separate peace. You ache for freedom. And no matter what pulls you, and tears you apart, the feeling never really goes away.
I went and saw Burlesque. Cher is amazing and can still make me believe in fairy tales. I assumed Christina was going to bomb, but unlike Mariah Carey, she carried her own weight in this film. It was amazing. I felt with her, and I loved with her. Burlesque has always been something that interested me. Since my college days when Leonard Pronco said that Burlesque was tawdry, pointless voyeurism and had no place in the arts; I've loved it and wanted to see a show very much. I've always done what the critics say isn't proper. Well-mannered women rarely make history,... or so a well-known woman was once quoted. What this movie did to me, and for me was fairly indescribable. But I'll do my best.
"I am down, but I'll get up again." My God, how many times will I have to get up again? You know, I just pump my fists into the air and want to know, how many times do you think you can push me down? How many times am I going to run up against asshats of the world, to be pushed down, kicked around and made to feel like I'm less? How many times am I going to let others make me feel less than what I am? How many times am I going to let them, and him, and you and everyone rob me of the greatness that I am? How many more times? "I was built tough, I'm gonna show you what I'm made of." It seems, I've spent my life showing him, and you, and everyone just how much I can take. I haven't even had a chance to show you just how high I can soar. What can I accomplish, when I finally stop trying to show what I can withstand, and start showing you just how far I can go, how high I can fly? With nothing pulling me down, with nothing throwing me on the ground, how far, how high, just what will I see sailing across the sky? What can I do with my strength, my courage, wisdom, intelligence, vitality, passion... What can I do with my love, if it isn't wasted just trying to survive?
This movie blew me away. And unlike most Hollywood crapvisions, there was no point where the protagonist did that shitty thing and screwed over the people that helped them get to where they were. There was no point where there were broken people doing desperate things. It was just people, rising above where they were, sailing above the shitty things other people do to get ahead. Only Nikki tries to backstab, and it goes horribly wrong for her, but then, that's Karma, right? Christina, Cher, and the rest of the cast truly brought their A-game and this movie is fucking awesome. Uplifting, Americana-feel-good, just a good movie that reminds you, it ain't over, not even after she sings the song that brings you to your knees and reminds you that you're living half the life you were meant for. She's right, I haven't been. Why is that? When did I settle? When did I decided that mediocre was just alright by me? Was it him? Or you? Or everyone? Who told me that this was all I was ever going to get to have? "I left when I looked around, and realized that everyone around me had lives I'd never want to live." Yeah. Exactly.
When the moment in the movie that Cher sings "Haven't Seen The Last Of Me," I cried my face off. I cried for everything I lost along the way. I cried for the lies I believed, and the hurt I'd taken every day of my life trying so hard to be everything everyone wants from me. You all got the best years of my life, didn't you? You got my youth, for what it was worth. Those can't be the best years. Can't be. You, and him, and them, and everyone that says I ought to be happy with this station, this place where I feel so alone; you're wrong. I have a lot more life to live, and a lot more within me than just a survivor. I don't want to just survive you. I want to fly past you, beyond this, right through those clouds and soar right next to the sun.
I am everyone I've ever been, and everything I dreamed of. I lost a lot along the way, but I didn't lose me. In my soul, I'm still here, fighting to breathe, fighting to live. I may be down, but I will get up again. And you have not seen the last of me.
Listen first:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOOYYyJ9C18
Now, read:
Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me
They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But i'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me
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