Ironically, You HAVE seen the last of me.

Killing this blog. Sorry,.. nothing to say that won't come back to haunt me. Not much point anyway,.. exactly two people follow this blog, and only one of them reads it. LMAO. So long, farewell, and all that crap.

Haven't Seen The Last Of Me

So, what happens when you reach 40, and you realize that everything is so very different than what you thought your life was going to be? What do you do when you feel like you're down on the ground, crawling around, fighting for a reason to feel alive again? What do you do when people who are glued to you, only want to pour in more epoxy when you're fighting and struggling, just trying to be able to move, fighting to keep breathing under the pressure and the strain? What do you do? What the fuck do you do?

What do you do when you're walking on eggshells; more like land-mines, never knowing which way the next one is going to explode in your face? What do you do when it feels like every single facet of your life is screaming for attention you don't have to give it? What do you do when people are pulling at you, tugging at you, wanting more and more, and you've nothing left to give; there's nothing left to share? You break down. You cry. You ache for a separate peace. You ache for freedom. And no matter what pulls you, and tears you apart, the feeling never really goes away.

I went and saw Burlesque. Cher is amazing and can still make me believe in fairy tales. I assumed Christina was going to bomb, but unlike Mariah Carey, she carried her own weight in this film. It was amazing. I felt with her, and I loved with her. Burlesque has always been something that interested me. Since my college days when Leonard Pronco said that Burlesque was tawdry, pointless voyeurism and had no place in the arts; I've loved it and wanted to see a show very much. I've always done what the critics say isn't proper. Well-mannered women rarely make history,... or so a well-known woman was once quoted. What this movie did to me, and for me was fairly indescribable. But I'll do my best.

"I am down, but I'll get up again." My God, how many times will I have to get up again? You know, I just pump my fists into the air and want to know, how many times do you think you can push me down? How many times am I going to run up against asshats of the world, to be pushed down, kicked around and made to feel like I'm less? How many times am I going to let others make me feel less than what I am? How many times am I going to let them, and him, and you and everyone rob me of the greatness that I am? How many more times? "I was built tough, I'm gonna show you what I'm made of." It seems, I've spent my life showing him, and you, and everyone just how much I can take. I haven't even had a chance to show you just how high I can soar. What can I accomplish, when I finally stop trying to show what I can withstand, and start showing you just how far I can go, how high I can fly? With nothing pulling me down, with nothing throwing me on the ground, how far, how high, just what will I see sailing across the sky? What can I do with my strength, my courage, wisdom, intelligence, vitality, passion... What can I do with my love, if it isn't wasted just trying to survive?

This movie blew me away. And unlike most Hollywood crapvisions, there was no point where the protagonist did that shitty thing and screwed over the people that helped them get to where they were. There was no point where there were broken people doing desperate things. It was just people, rising above where they were, sailing above the shitty things other people do to get ahead. Only Nikki tries to backstab, and it goes horribly wrong for her, but then, that's Karma, right? Christina, Cher, and the rest of the cast truly brought their A-game and this movie is fucking awesome. Uplifting, Americana-feel-good, just a good movie that reminds you, it ain't over, not even after she sings the song that brings you to your knees and reminds you that you're living half the life you were meant for. She's right, I haven't been. Why is that? When did I settle? When did I decided that mediocre was just alright by me? Was it him? Or you? Or everyone? Who told me that this was all I was ever going to get to have? "I left when I looked around, and realized that everyone around me had lives I'd never want to live." Yeah. Exactly.

When the moment in the movie that Cher sings "Haven't Seen The Last Of Me," I cried my face off. I cried for everything I lost along the way. I cried for the lies I believed, and the hurt I'd taken every day of my life trying so hard to be everything everyone wants from me. You all got the best years of my life, didn't you? You got my youth, for what it was worth. Those can't be the best years. Can't be. You, and him, and them, and everyone that says I ought to be happy with this station, this place where I feel so alone; you're wrong. I have a lot more life to live, and a lot more within me than just a survivor. I don't want to just survive you. I want to fly past you, beyond this, right through those clouds and soar right next to the sun.

I am everyone I've ever been, and everything I dreamed of. I lost a lot along the way, but I didn't lose me. In my soul, I'm still here, fighting to breathe, fighting to live. I may be down, but I will get up again. And you have not seen the last of me.

Listen first:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOOYYyJ9C18

Now, read:
Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But i'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

Sorry I've been gone

Do you have any idea what it's been like writing stuff down here, and then having to explain every last word, defend every last word? It fucking sucks. I just couldn't bring myself to sit here and write anything. Deadlines aside,.. having to go toe-to-toe on every word was getting close to enema-level discomfort. For those of you who like that sort of thing,.. suffice it to say that it was unpleasant.

So, onward and upward, Right? I have three posts on deck. YEP!!! Three!!! And they're bound to piss off all of my readers.
hahahahahhahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha

Sorry, I don't have readers. I have two readers. And even THEY don't actually read this stupid thing. But, I have been thinking a great deal about a few topics that are a bit heated. I just want to lay down my thoughts before I forget what I thought in the first place.

But, not to worry, all of you people. hahahahahhaha sorry, just marking a note to myself to get back to work and write in this blog no matter what it costs me.

I love me,.. even when I don't like me much.

Anger Management -- Part 935

*****************WARNING************************

THIS POST CONTAINS FOUL LANGUAGE THAT WILL
MOST LIKELY BLOW YOUR SKIRT UP, SOOOOOOOOO
READER BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While I have really learned some mad skills to deal with frustration and anger, none of my skills have gone very far in PREVENTING the angry feelings in the first place. So many things ignite my fuse: bad drivers; stupid people; parents who treat their kids badly; liars; selfish people. The list could go on and on. What's my particular issue tonight??? Narfbag Asshats

If you are a narfbag asshat, and you know who you are, you are the kind of person that enjoys watching people get pissed off, be unable to cope with their own pissed-offedness, and walk away thrilled that you fucked up some one's night, day, week, month, life. There are some people who are permanent narfbag asshats, and some that play the role at various times in their existence. Sometimes, I find myself wanting to fuck up someone else because they've made me sooooo angry. I guess in those moments, I become a narfbag asshat myself. I'm not happy about that, either.

Why do some people get off on the paltry measure of control they have in this manner? Oh,.. aren't you the cerebral champion, able to ruffle my dainty feathers....? Screw you. And screw the fact that you WANT to cause me pain!!! Actually, I'm censoring myself there. What I truly mean to say is FUCK YOU, and FUCK THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!!!!

There is this movie called "Merlin" with Sam Neil as the title character. In it, one of the characters says this: You must never be rude; being rude is being weak. I want a fucking t-shirt that says that!!! I mean, it sums it all up for me!! Being rude IS being weak. If you can't be polite, then keep your mouth shut. Why must you bother with ME at all??? If I suck as much as you say I do, why bother with me at all? Why do I even register on your radar? Why do you need to comment on me or my life? Who pressed your buzzer?

If you think I suck, stay the fuck away from me. It's what I do... if I don't like you, I stay the hell away from you. Why? BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU. Why would I inflict upon myself the misery of company with a narfbag asshat??? I judge myself harshly enough without your snippets of wisdom. You could never be the critic I have to face every time I look in the mirror so shut your pie hole and keep your crappy comments to yourself.

Anger... anger... anger... it's my biggest failure right now. No, I don't flip right out and punch walls. Not anymore anyway. And, no soda machines either for those of you that actually know me!!! I just see so much senselessness around me. There are so fucking many people that ENJOY causing other people pain. What the FUCK is up with that??? Who LIKES to cause people to suffer emotionally? I watch these fucking narfbag asshats get off wounding other people emotionally and spiritually and I just want to cave in their skulls and pour in Skittles, a rainbow of color. AT least then, as a candy dish, their useless skulls will provide more joy to the world offering tasty candy than the eternal bullshit they shove down people's throats.

Someone recently told me that some people feel better about their own lives, by making others feel pain. Like, they have power because they can exact it over others. You gotta know it's you, man!!! You just HAVE to know that YOU are that person,.. YOU are the THEY. How could you NOT know that you're purposely causing people pain to make yourself feel better about your own pathetic life. I know when I'm doing something shitty... How is it that YOU don't? You KNOW you're doing it, you KNOW it's YOU. Stop being a narfbag asshat and hurting people just to feel better about yourself. Stop being so small minded, selfish and stupid. Don't be a narfbag asshat.

*climbing down off the soapbox*

I'm hungry, think I'll go get some Lucky Charms.

funny aside: the spell checker doesn't recognize Narfbag Asshat!!!!

What Is Love

There are more than a million songs that tell us how to define love. And the books and romance movies. So many thoughts and ideas about what love is, and how it ought to look. We gobble it up... the Disney ideals. Perfect guy, perfect girl, kismet and destiny colliding in a beautiful kaleidoscope of passion and love. Whatever.

What the hell is love, anyway? Sometimes, I wonder if we all aren't searching for what doesn't exist. We compare what we have to our ideals and it often doesn't measure up. Or, we expect what we have to change, so that they become more like our ideals. We often don't measure up to our own personal ideals. Some try to grow and strive toward their ideal self. Some stop having an ideal self. Some make their partner responsible for all that they are not. Is any of that love?

The experiences in my life have led me to these ideas about love:

1. Love makes you more than you were before. Love doesn't rob you of your personal identity. Love doesn't ask you to give up any part of who you are. Love doesn't take away from who you are. Love adds another dimension to who you are. Love increases your positive action on our world. Love raises you up and empowers you. Love does not "complete" you; you are complete in yourself and need no other addition.

2. Love makes you reach beyond your needs and wants to ensure that your mate has all they need and want. Love doesn't have to confess their every need and want all the time. Love isn't preoccupied with ensuring its own satisfaction; instead strives to ensure the satisfaction of their partner. Love puts their partner first. Love, in its completion does strive to achieve their own satisfaction, but not at the expense of their partner. Love does not seek their own gratification first, but yields to the needs of their partner.

3. Love does not recognize the sacrifice, or wallow in the effort. Love does not expect favor for their sacrifices or gestures. Love does not expect recognition for their effort. Love makes sacrifices and puts forth effort with a glad heart and not to gain favor or special consideration. Love gives freely and happily.

4. Love makes you want to be more tomorrow than you were yesterday. Love strives to grow and learn. Love remembers that people change, and therefore, strives to learn their partner anew each day. Love evolves, and changes. Love heals the wounds of the past, lives fully in the present, and plans for the future. Love always takes the time to assess new events and situations. Love is patient. Love strives for balance and peace.

5. Love feels good, and makes you want others around you to feel good also. Love does not hurt or speak cruelly. Love does not lash out and wound with words. Love does not strike physically or seek to harm. When love is hurting, love does not seek to hurt others. When love is joyful, love seeks to share their joy with others. Love allows the negative to dissipate within themselves, while letting the positive to burst forth and multiply to others. Love seeks to share the positive, and eradicate the negative.

There are so many other ideas I have about love, and what it means to me -- what it ought to look like. But, I can sum it up with this phrase:

Love with open arms, open mind and an open heart.

The Balance

And so,
whose reality is real?
What would we do
tomorrow
if we are released
from yesterday?
Would yesterday's sorrows
creep upon us
like shadows growing
in the evening sun?
Would our shadows become
twilight?
The darkness of our lives
it already is
darkness.

Darkness so murky
not as black as nothing.
Nothing is so final as
the end.
Nothing as dark as
dying.
Unfinished work,
dreams not realized;
stopping without having
started.
Failing, without having tried.
Will the darkness be so dark?
Seeking without finding,
not knowing what we seek.
And yet,
tomorrow is our hope.

Our questions
become
the answers
when we know
what we are asking.
Understanding,
like straining for the rope
we cannot reach
stretching,
sweating,
pulse grinding,
reaching every muscle
up, up UP.
And finally we grasp the end
and it lifts us up
swooping suddenly
the rush of wind all around
and we fly.

Complete in the now
the tao
of today.
Moving forward,
circumspect and aware,
gliding through the
crystal waters watching
the ripples multiply
as we move.
In the crisp morning dew
at dawn we see,
but where to go?
Never mind,
just moving along the path;
which path to take?
Our way, your way
my way.

Sanity
like a toddler,
must be watched always;
gently guided,
reminded
of the way.
The right way.
Laughter.
Yes, laugh.
All is well when
the toddler smiles.
Tears,
salt in the tears
must flow
gently now,
everything will be alright.
Yes,
just like a child;
precious and dear
to hold.
The child holds us in the
now,
keeps us sane.

Peace,
at last the comfort
of completion.
Fulfillment;
emptiness replaced
with the accomplishment
of survival.
Peace now,
and rest,
tired eyes,
tired soul;
time for rest.

A dream;
a whisper of
tomorrow.

A song
gently touching
our soul.

A quiet ride
in a canoe
down a softly
flowing river;
rocking to
and fro.

August 2002

Empty Headed People

Empty headed people
Here empty headed people come
There empty headed people are
Walking around
Talking
And talking
And talking
talking
Don't know me
Know better than I
Know everything
Tell me everything
Think big thoughts
Share big thoughts
Share big thoughts
Right
Down
My
Thoughts
Full of a lot of wind
Air
Nothing but air
In those empty heads
Tell me left
Tell me right
Tell me up
Tell me when
And where
And why
And what
And who
Who cares
I cares
I cares about the wind
And the air
Those empty heads just knocking all around
Billowing with the times and seasons
I don't bother the times
Or the seasons
I don't test the air
But they're there
Judging me
Testing me
Pointing long bony fingers
Dead digits with painted nails
Filling up my head with
Yes and no
Mostly no
Never
Never mind
Nothing but air
Wind that just keeps blowing
Blowing over me
Over my mind
Through me
Right through my soul
Tearing at my heart
Showing me pain
Guilt
Anger
Shame
Bad things
Inside
Sometimes wishing
On an empty head
With clean air
I wouldn't mind that
Air moving all around
Moving
Like big healthy lungs
Taking in all the world
Just taking it all in
And breathing it all out
Seeing
Seeing what I see out there
And not what's already inside
Empty heads
Trying so hard to live
Inside my head
It's so full
There's no room
But there they are
Stuffing inside my head
What ought to be outside
Taking up space
Stop
Living
In
My
Head
18 March 2002

An Uninvited Guest

an uninvited guest
a pest
not welcomed not embraced
no place
not among the peers
they fear
the simple one is different
different is bad

the pain of tomorrow
full of sorrow
overwhelming anger
there is strength in solitude
stronger for the fight
stronger for freedom

to live or die
to fight or run away
alone
can leave or stay
the night must come
bringing the cold
the darkness

crashing and falling inside
uninvited and unwelcome
pounding and pounding
which one will win
pain or anger
wrath or sorrow
strong yet weak
weak yet defiant
nothing ever wins
the battle never ends
just pounding
crashing
falling
dying
living dead

31 December 1999

Jesus Christ... and all His kin...

When I was a kid, I remember exactly what would have happened had I said "Jesus Christ" in front of any of my Catholic and/or uber-Christian relatives. I would have been flogged, stoned and summarily put to death. Seriously, I would have gotten the shit kicked out of me, and that would have been their departure point. Suffice it to say, I learned at an early age that there were things that one ought not to say out loud or in mixed company.

As the years have passed the English language has undergone a metamorphosis. Of course, language is alive and ever changing. Language is practically sentient and it definitely evolves. I get that. I'm with it. I remember when the common response to hearing something unbelievable was "as if." As if that were sufficient to express one's disbelief. Well, it was. We like our language to be concise, direct, and without confusion. Sort of.

When I consider the sorts of things we weren't allowed to say as children, I really believe that it was more about respecting your elders, and each other. It was about common courtesy and being kind and compassionate. We all were not those things, and none of us were those things all the time. And so, there were rules to govern our discipline when we stepped a toe out of line. The things we could not say weren't just offensive. My aunts actually believed that saying, "Jesus Christ" was blasphemy and would earn my skinny ass a one-way ticket to hell for all eternity. They weren't so fragile as to be unable to tolerate my words; they were concerned for my mortal soul. We laugh at that now. But back then, you were headed straight to hell if you had sex before marriage. Now, not so much. Did God change? Or did we change our perspective on incredibly subjective dogmatic ideals?

My time spent in the service was marked by the Tailhook incident. For the nubes in the room,.. Tailhook was the sexual harassment suit of the millennium. Basically, a woman (sailor) went to what she believed was a party to which she'd been invited. The party was not meant for any woman to attend; unless that woman hoped to be groped, fondled, stripped, and engage in debauched behavior with multiple horny pilots. Yes, there were 'hired' helpers. But, the woman wasn't really welcome and the invite was nothing more than a prank, intended to trap her in a compromised situation. She was groped, manhandled and practically raped (thought I'm not entirely sure that she was not). She reported the incident to her superior officer, which was the correct protocol to follow. Her commanding officer did nothing, except to tell her she ought not to have attended the party. Her story went to press, she sued their asses off, and the entire United States military got to stand down and attend a sexual harassment seminar. Sound like fun? It was not. In a coincidental twist, right before the stand down training, I was assaulted by my entire company. Want to know why? Because I was promoted. Hazing is real. But that's a different story for another time. What my point in adding this bit to this blog entry is this: we were not allowed to speak of many, many different things that might offend someone. While I don't condone hazing, assault, or any other unwanted physical attention; holy crap! Are we, in the effort to prevent bad behavior, going to prevent all behavior??? Seems like we threw out the baby with the bath water.

Fast forward to today. Not 'today' but I mean current time. My kids were in an assembly not too long ago, where they were asked to sign a contract promising to not say or use the word 'retarded.' Now, first, I think this is bullshit. You can't stick my kid in an assembly, interrupting the education curriculum, to talk about using a singular word. For real??? I think they'll learn a lot more by actually staying in class than wasting what little time they have in front of the teacher, hearing about how shameful and naughty it is to use the word 'retarded.' I think the assembly was retarded!!! For the record; I have never, never used the word in conjunction with a person who was physically or mentally handicapped. In fact, I never use any diagnostic words when I'm referring to a person who is challenged in any way. I refer to them by name, or based on their relation to another person (as in, Ted's kid, etc). But if something is stupid, or undeveloped, or delayed, I say it's retarded because that is what the word means.

Here, this is my proof:
re·tard 
/rɪˈtɑrd, for 1–3, 5; ˈritɑrd for 4/ [ri-tahrd, for 1–3, 5; ree-tahrd for 4]–verb (used with object)
1. to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.
–verb (used without object)
2. to be delayed.
–noun
3. a slowing down, diminution, or hindrance, as in a machine.
4. Slang: Disparaging .
a. a mentally retarded person.
b. a person who is stupid, obtuse, or ineffective in some way: a hopeless social retard.
5. Automotive, Machinery . an adjustment made in the setting of the distributor of an internal-combustion engine so that the spark for ignition in each cylinder is generated later in the cycle.

— adj
ESN mental handicap See also subnormal underdeveloped, esp mentally and esp having an IQ of 70 to 85

And there was another slang definition which was a modified definition (happens when words take on new meanings and uses) which was "bad or defective as in "this old DVD player is retarded. Time for a new one."

Citation http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/retarded

So you see, my kid's school illegally pressured these kids, under duress (because they were asked to sign the paper collectively in front of the entire assembly) to illegally sign a document (no one under the age of 18 can legally enter into any contractual obligation with anyone else) that couldn't possibly serve any useful purpose except to persecute those who openly refused to sign (like my daughter). All for what??? To promise not to offend mentally or physically challenged people? Or are we so fragile, we don't like to be reminded of other's handicaps? Or are we so struggling with the Darwin theory that we hope everyone is gifted with all the same gifts and strengths and no one has any weaknesses? Or have we gotten so gluttonously lazy that we want everyone to have equal outcome without expending equal effort? All of this sounds like a pile of bullshit! One word. Focus all your attention on one word, and you're going to miss the meaning of the sentence. You're going to miss the heart of the book. Focus on one word, and what's the point of talking at all?

While we're on the topic of singular words that blow every one's skirts up... Let's talk about 'gay.' Now, I remember when people were just starting to use the word to mean 'homosexual.' I had no idea what they meant at first. But, as I grew, and learned about homosexuality and exactly what it was that two women did together, and what two men did together; I came to understand what 'gay' meant, from that perspective. Later in life, 'gay' took on a new meaning. But so did other words. For instance, when my then 16 year old sister came home with a bunch of new clothes (in 1985), she said that she "just bought a bunch of killer new clothes." Now, she did not mean that she bought clothes a 'killer' would wear; or that she planned on 'killing' anyone wearing the clothes. Of course she only meant that they were stylish and hip. DUH. But no one latched onto that little gem. Not sure why,.. I mean, the families of murder victims could certainly complain that such use of the term was inconsiderate and disrespectful to their loss. But so far, that hasn't happened.

And when I arrived in New England, I was treated to a new term: wicked. I will recant the tale of my then 13 year old relative as she told me about a dance she went to... "it was sooooo wicked!!" Now, I was certain that she meant the dance was thoroughly enjoyable, and perhaps even gleaned that she'd had a great time. Not once did I consider that the students at the dance might have been participating in black magic rituals, or satanic rites. Not even for a second did I consider that the evil host of hell had risen to attend a high school dance. I think many parents would have had their knickers in a twist if it had been "evil, or morally bad in principle or practice."

So, I return again to the word 'gay.' What is the fucking deal? Why am I accosted with stupid commercials about "watch what you say" and "do you think before you speak?" Yes, I do think before I speak. And, as a veteran of the United States, free citizen of this amazing country, I have the freedom to say whatever the flying freaking monkeys I want to say. I volunteered to fight for my country and defend all our rights. I threw live hand grenades for crying out loud. I sneezed snot and phlegm from my nose, and mouth, with tears streaming from my eyes in the gas chamber. Damn it, don't I get to say whatever I want to say? Especially when all I'm really saying is that something, or someone is acting in an unintelligent manner? And what of the gay community? Are they really offended by this practice? I mean, to be gay does not mean one is inherently stupid or unnecessary. Being gay just means you're either happy, gleeful, or you like to have sex with people who have the same sex organs as you do. But, when I say, "Oh my God. That is gay!" I am not saying that the gay community has any relevance to what I am dealing with. Not related. Not linked. No offense was meant. None should have been taken. Of my gay friends, and there are MANY,.. they are all tough, intelligent, sarcastic, really well-spoken and outspoken people. They don't linger about, lamenting the misuse of the term. Neither should anyone else. And the fact that tax dollars were spent to make dumb-ass commercials vilifying the use of a stupid singular word is appalling.

My very favorite word is 'fuck.' Why? Because, it is a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, everything. It is a complete sentence, all by itself. And it is a multi-tasker. People get offended by the f-bomb. Can't really say why either. Like Whoppi Goldberg says, "fuck isn't nearly as offensive as some words: stupid, worthless, dumb." I agree with her. I don't agree with her politics, but I don't have to. The basic sentiment is this: words shouldn't offend you. Actions should. Just because I say 'fuck' shouldn't offend you, though if you choose to get offended, that is your right. However, your rights end where they abut everyone else's rights.

That is really the crux of it: YOUR RIGHTS END WHERE THEY ABUT THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS!!!! With all the money spent on therapy and counselling services, and all the effort applied to self-help crap; how can we all be so fucking (yes, I dropped it) pretentious and uptight about WORDS!!!!! I get it,.. words hurt. People can cut you straight through your soul with the words they say, and they might even do it on purpose. Jesus H. Christ Almighty!!! Are you kidding me??? "That which does not destroy me, only makes me stronger!!!" Start out by surviving WORDS!!!

If you are broken down by some asshat who assaults you with words; reach out to others. Get support. Sure, there are people who use words like weapons, they strike you down, and know that you have nothing. There are also people who have been there, done that, and are ready to support you. Reach out and get supported, get help, and get the hell away from people who use their words to hurt you. But, for crying out loud (or bitching in a blog), don't try to limit freedom of speech! Don't tell me what I can or cant' say because some other person used words to wound. And if I wound you, use YOUR words to express that fact and let me use MY words to make amends. We shouldn't be stopping speech, or limiting it; we need to speak more clearly and stop all this exaggeration and lying.

FREEDOM OF SPEECH,.. I say "use it or lose it" my friends. Any sort of censure is just retarded and gay.


And, for those of you who might be interested in the history of the word 'fuck,' here you go!!!

fuck 

–verb (used with object)
1. to have sexual intercourse with.
2. Slang . to treat unfairly or harshly.
–verb (used without object)
3. to have sexual intercourse.
4. Slang . to meddle (usually fol. by around or with ).
–interjection
5. Slang . (used to express anger, disgust, peremptory rejection, etc., often fol. by a pronoun, as you or it. )
–noun
6. an act of sexual intercourse.
7. a partner in sexual intercourse.
8. Slang . a person, esp. one who is annoying or contemptible.
9. the fuck, Slang . (used as an intensifier, esp. with WH-questions, to express annoyance, impatience, etc.) —Verb phrases
10. fuck around, Slang .
a. to behave in a frivolous or meddlesome way.
b. to engage in promiscuous sex.
11. fuck off, Slang .
a. to shirk one's duty; malinger.
b. go away: used as an exclamation of impatience.
c. to waste time.
12. fuck up, Slang .
a. to bungle or botch; ruin.
b. to act stupidly or carelessly; cause trouble; mess up. —Idiom
13. give a fuck, Slang . to care; be concerned.

Origin: 1495–1505; akin to MD fokken to thrust, copulate with, Sw dial. focka to copulate with, strike, push, fock penis —Related forms
fucky, adjective
Dictionary.com Unabridged Based on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2010.
World English Dictionary
fuck (fʌk)
— vb
1. to have sexual intercourse with (someone)
— n
2. an act of sexual intercourse
3. a partner in sexual intercourse, esp one of specified competence or experience
4. not care a fuck , not give a fuck not to care at all
— interj
5. offensive an expression of strong disgust or anger (often in exclamatory phrases such as fuck you! fuck it! etc)

usage

The use and overuse of fuck in the everyday speech of many people has led, to some extent, to a lessening of its impact as an expletive. However, the word still retains its shock value, although it is less now than it was when the critic Kenneth Tynan caused controversy by saying it on British television in 1965
Collins English Dictionary - Complete & Unabridged 10th Edition 2009 © William Collins Sons & Co. Ltd. 1979, 1986 © HarperCollins Publishers 1998, 2000, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2009

Word Origin & History fuck
a difficult word to trace, in part because it was taboo to the editors of the original OED when the "F" volume was compiled, 1893-97. Written form only attested from early 16c. OED 2nd edition cites 1503, in the form fukkit ; earliest appearance of current spelling is 1535 -- "Bischops ... may fuck thair fill and be vnmaryit" [Sir David Lyndesay, "Ane Satyre of the Thrie Estaits" ], but presumably it is a much more ancient word than that, simply one that wasn't likely to be written in the kind of texts that have survived from O.E. and M.E. Buck cites proper name John le Fucker from 1278. The word apparently is hinted at in a scurrilous 15c. poem, titled "Flen flyys," written in bastard L. and M.E. The relevant line reads:
Non sunt in celi quia fuccant uuiuys of heli "They [the monks] are not in heaven because they fuck the wives of Ely." Fuccant is pseudo-Latin, and in the original it is written in cipher. The earliest examples of the word otherwise are from Scottish, which suggests a Scandinavian origin, perhaps from a word akin to Norw. dial. fukka "copulate," or Swedish dial. focka "copulate, strike, push," and fock "penis." Another theory traces it to M.E. fkye, fike "move restlessly, fidget," which also meant "dally, flirt," and probably is from a general North Sea Gmc. word, cf. M.Du. fokken, Ger. ficken "fuck," earlier "make quick movements to and fro, flick," still earlier "itch, scratch;" the vulgar sense attested from 16c. This would parallel in sense the usual M.E. slang term for "have sexual intercourse," swive , from O.E. swifan "to move lightly over, sweep" (see swivel). Chronology and phonology rule out Shipley's attempt to derive it from M.E. firk "to press hard, beat." As a noun, it dates from 1680. French foutre and Italian fottere look like the English word but are unrelated, derived rather from L. futuere , which is perhaps from PIE base *bhau(t)- "knock, strike off," extended via a figurative use "from the sexual application of violent action" [Shipley; cf. the sexual slang use of bang , etc.]. Popular and Internet derivations from acronyms (and the "pluck yew" fable) are merely ingenious trifling. The O.E. word was hæman , from ham "dwelling, home," with a sense of "take home, co-habit." Fuck was outlawed in print in England (by the Obscene Publications Act, 1857) and the U.S. (by the Comstock Act, 1873). The word may have been shunned in print, but it continued in conversation, especially among soldiers during WWI.
"It became so common that an effective way for the soldier to express this emotion was to omit this word. Thus if a sergeant said, 'Get your ----ing rifles!' it was understood as a matter of routine. But if he said 'Get your rifles!' there was an immediate implication of urgency and danger." [John Brophy, "Songs and Slang of the British Soldier: 1914-1918," pub. 1930] The legal barriers broke down in the 20th century, with the "Ulysses" decision (U.S., 1933) and "Lady Chatterley's Lover" (U.S., 1959; U.K., 1960). Johnson excluded the word, and fuck wasn't in a single English language dictionary from 1795 to 1965. "The Penguin Dictionary" broke the taboo in the latter year. Houghton Mifflin followed, in 1969, with "The American Heritage Dictionary," but it also published a "Clean Green" edition without the word, to assure itself access to the lucrative public high school market. The abbreviation F (or eff ) probably began as euphemistic, but by 1943 it was being used as a cuss word, too. In 1948, the publishers of "The Naked and the Dead" persuaded Norman Mailer to use the euphemism fug instead. When Mailer later was introduced to Dorothy Parker, she greeted him with, "So you're the man who can't spell 'fuck' " [The quip sometimes is attributed to Tallulah Bankhead]. Hemingway used muck in "For whom the Bell Tolls" (1940). The major breakthrough in publication was James Jones' "From Here to Eternity" (1950), with 50 fucks (down from 258 in the original manuscript). Egyptian legal agreements from the 23rd Dynasty (749-21 B.C.E.) frequently include the phrase, "If you do not obey this decree, may a donkey copulate with you!" [Reinhold Aman, "Maledicta," Summer 1977]. Fuck-all "nothing" first recorded 1960. Verbal phrase fuck up "to ruin, spoil, destroy" first attested c.1916. A widespread group of Slavic words (cf. Pol. pierdolić ) can mean both "fornicate" and "make a mistake." Fuck off attested from 1929; as a command to depart, by 1944. Flying fuck originally meant "have sex on horseback" and is first attested c.1800 in broadside ballad "New Feats of Horsemanship." For the unkillable urban legend that this word is an acronym of some sort (a fiction traceable on the Internet to 1995 but probably predating that) see here, and also here. Related: Fucked ; fucking . Agent noun fucker attested from 1590s in literal sense; by 1893 as a term of abuse (or admiration).
Online Etymology Dictionary, © 2010 Douglas Harper

Citation: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fuck

Thoughts on turning 40

Exactly three people have asked me how I felt about turning 40. In roughly 31 minutes, I'll let you know...

I'm watching LA Ink, eating rice crackers and wondering what the hell is going on in the world. What do I feel about turning 40? Shit, I don't even feel 30 yet. I just recently figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up,.. I have no idea what I feel about turning 40!!!

One thing I can say with certainty is that 2010 is turning out to be one hell of a fucking year. Our world is so radically different from the world of 2000. What were we scared of back then? We were afraid the world would melt when the computers tried to roll the dates over from two digit yearly indicators to four. We were half certain that they would grow legs, and beat the shit out of us. It was sort of a let-down that nothing happened. We had no idea what was around the bend; literally the very next bend!

Whether it's MY age or THE age, what I've noticed most is that everything is 'kicked up a notch.' It sometimes feels like we're all trying to live out our lives in a superlative contest to see who is the biggest, baddest, worst, best, most extreme, least significant. When did that shit start? When did we start living at the speed of binary code? When did we start feeling insignificant without using as many adjectives as possible? I found myself doing exactly that the other day. Instead of just saying I was pissed, I said, "I was so pissed I went out of my mind." First of all, was I really that pissed? Did I really go out of my mind? Of course not. I was just pissed; a natural state of being for me. The moment wasn't any more or less significant than any other times when I was pissed. And, how weak can I be letting myself appear so frail and fragile that I can't tolerate someone not doing what I want? The truth is, our world is lived in the gray area ... for the most part. I mean, we don't have the most extreme things occurring every single day -- not even most days. Our lives are truly lived in the gray matter.

Another thing that has me freaked about middle age is that I'm not nearly as smart as I thought I should be at this point. I thought that, by now, I wouldn't be so easily beguiled by people. I thought, by forty, I would be more circumspect, more wise. But, I'm not. I'm still really naive. That really scares me. Also, I seem to be getting dumber. Ten years ago, I would not have used the word "dumber." Tonight, it seems just right. While my kids move forward at the speed of light, they surpassed my intelligence years ago. They ask me questions that sometimes make me wonder if I really did have my head up my ass all these years. After 40 years, I am still too trusting, too naive, still mired in self-doubt and self-recriminations; basically, I'm still me. And, I've come full circle. The thoughts and dreams I had ten and twenty years ago, have returned to me and I can remember having felt those things the first time around.

I was accused of being hit with a mid-life crisis. No, I'm not. I wasn't. Never happened. If anything, I'm only rediscovering the best and most beautiful aspects of who I've always been. I'm wanting to be unafraid of letting my true colors show. I'm wanting to be accepted for who I am, inside out. I no longer wish to wear the person that others expect me to be. I want to just be and let go of expectations; both theirs and mine. I want to be free. Don't we all? Even here, I haven't blogged in a long time. Wanna know why? It's because I'm afraid. At 39 years old, I've been afraid to speak my mind. Mostly, I was told that we (society at large) are not allowed to speak our mind -- not allowed to without harsh consequences. Even in anonymous ways. The person who told me that said that no one could say whatever they wanted, not ever. And, I've been held by my feetsies over the fire for my words lately. It hasn't been fun at all. In fact, it sucks donkey balls. I hate it. Not being able to speak freely. Being afraid.

I do suppose that is the thing that makes me most igged out about turning 40 (in two minutes). The fact is, after 40 years, I am still afraid. And, still feel the sting of loneliness. I am still not free, and hoping for a place and space to speak my mind freely. I don't want to be afraid anymore. And yet, there it is. The fear that those closest to me, are really going to get me in the end (probably because they have). It's paranoia at its finest and I am truly afraid to be exactly who I am.

CLICK!!!

That's it. I just turned 40 years old. How does it feel? *sigh* It feels empty. It's midnight, my fortieth birthday, my little one's are sleeping and I'm up, alone, at the computer. I sit here with my fears and apprehensions. I sit here with my words, and wonder how my brain could concoct anything that anyone would consider dangerous. I wonder how I can be so affected by others, who are seemingly not affected by me. I wonder at how I can be scrutinized and judged. I wonder about the world, the one I came from, the one I live in now. I wonder about the world my children will head toward. 40 is just plain scary.

Thinking about where I thought our world was headed, I am sad that we missed the mark so badly. And yet, there is hope. Because tomorrow, I'll be forty years old, plus one day. And for 364ish more days, I can still say that I am just 40, and have the whole year to work on creating a better tomorrow, a better world. Today begins and I still can try, can fight to make it what it ought to have been. I can still work to make my life, and the lives of my children better, brighter happier places. I can still work to be a better person; smarter, more compassionate, more aware. Hope, that's my final thought around turning 40... There is hope and love and passion. Most of all, there's still fight inside me. Hello 40,.. I plan on kicking the shit out of you!!!

The Expendables

Good, happy, funny, light-hearted, exciting, silly.

Those are the words I use to describe this movie. It was simply good happy fun. Of course, you don't sit there wondering about realism,.. although I did ask out loud how Jet Li produced the clip that matched the weapon that wasn't his, out of his own back pocket..... whatever.... thank God he had that extra clip. Just goes to show you: never throw anything away!!!

At a point, you have to start asking when movies got all educational? I just love the movies that have come out this summer (even though I had to endure Eclipse with them...). Sometimes, good clean fun is exactly what the doctor ordered. In a time when I am so sick of self-aggrandizing reality shows where non-heros show us all exactly how unheroic we can be; it's nice to watch a movie about a hero with suspect morals, come to the place where he's challenged deep in his soul, and emerges victorious. He even walks away without the girl!!! So there's a bit of reality dosed in there too!!!

Jason Statham... you my friend, are my hero. Wow. While I did not appreciate the Transporter series (got a bit toooo silly for me), he did superb in this movie. And both Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenneger (sp??) were super cut and looked good for all the 3 seconds they were in the film. Who knew Randy Couture could act??? Awesome job fighter-boy. Seriously, he actually did really, really well. Perhaps Chuck has a future in acting as well, and then we could make a seriously funny movie with Couture, Jackson AND Liddell. Hey, maybe they could be a group of MMA fighters, who get framed for something in Okinawa, and they have to go on the lam, all the while dodging the Yakuza, and trying to find their 'yoda' who will lead them out of darkness.... well I'd watch it,... would even pay.

Jet Li doesn't get a big mention here, but he was awesome. He is, after all, a well-paid actor who's been doing this shit for a long, long time now. And Sly,... wow. I had forgotten that the man is not a brainless brick. He was really good and I was impressed at the range of emotion he showed. All, in all, a GREAT flick.

And that brings me to the idea of all the great flicks this summer. Off the top of my head,... Losers, A-Team, and this movie; The Expendables. Common theme,.. great acting, fun explosions and great action. The hero is still the hero, at the end of the day. And the bad guys are easy to spot and eliminate. That's Americana-Feel-Good right there. It doesn't glorify 'violence' per se,... just the idea that when things go wrong, sometimes you really DO need to blow something up. Society might demand pc, and proper language, and consciensious speech. But, from time to time, the world needs to have its ass swatted.

Tears

I do not know the chemical
Composition of tears
But there must be some salt
And water
Water, because it flows so
Evenly
Neatly from my eyes
Down my cheeks
And off my chin
Salt, because it stings
And tastes salty
Bitter
Like the pain
Warm from the heat off my cheeks
My body must make a lot of it
Because it doesn't stop flowing
There must be too much
In my system
For my body to be getting rid
Of so much
At one time

Darkness Overwhelms Me

I step out into the sunlight
But the darkness follows me there,
Pulling at my shirt-tails
I'll never be free

Squinting at the drops of light
Squeezing through the branches
Of the trees
I see what might have been

What once lured passion
From my soul
Now beats and batters my heart
I cry

Real tears run down my face
What might have been
Sunny and happy
Slaps me, tears me apart

Once I held the corners of the world
Sublime perfection and greed
Now I can be bought and sold
Or given away for free

All that I was
Now dissipates into the air
And there is little more
Than a quivering skeleton

Casting all fame and glory aside
Accepting fate, and solitude
As my lover and keeper
Seldom my need

Hardly a loving friend
If ever a friend at all
Loving less than need be
If ever a need there was

Depending on all that is
Sure to fail me
Yet desperately hoping to
Be wrong about the right things

Respecting those houses built on stone
Yearning for the sand
Staying never fleeing
Nor flying; slowly dying

Faithful to that which is
Sure to molest
Will never respect
Nor definitively love

This life
A life long-lasting for sure
Filled with short lives
Of more important characters

More like a play
I am the understudy
Of my own role
An extra in my life

A maid or a lover
A friend and a mother
An object, a thing
To be used, abused and forgotten

Yet loved, somehow
Misunderstanding life
If life ever could
Be understood

If only I had what I needed
To survive my life
To understand the why
Then I might find my life
More worthy to be lived.

I wrote this piece a hundred years ago. Funny as it has become prophetic for me. In fact, nearly twenty years have passed since I first brought pen to paper on this one. And yet, I find that whatever forward motion I have made in my life, I am still here, in this place: confused, hurt, and alone. No wonder I AM ANGRYFACE.

Amused

Someone tried to use this blog and my other online shit against me. Their claim was that people were reading my shit, and making judgments about them!!! Holy crap Batman. No, no one reads this stupid shitty blog. It's why I write it,.. cause I know no one gives a shit what I write and certainly, no one bothers to read it in the overwhelming ocean that is Blogspot. I mean, seriously,... there are NO indications that ANYONE reads this. So, I'm not really worried about assumptions or opinions.

And I'm certainly not worried about comments...

;-D

Sorcerer's Apprentice

Wow! Nick Cage,.. what can I say? I did not see this movie doing so well and I'm so glad it did. I loved it! There were moments when I forgot it was Nicholas Cage!!! He did amazing! And his young apprentice really fulfilled the role as well.

There was a slight "Gotham" feel to the city, and certainly to the lair. I loved the story line and how they combined the geek-gets-the-hot-girl theme along with the supernatural magical journey. If I had any complaint, I would say that I would have liked to understand more about the magic behind it all. Having said that, it was a great flick and well worth the twenty bucks!

From EP -- Movie Reviews

There are several reviews wrapped up here, so I'm sorry it's long but it's worth the read!!! LMAO just kidding... no really.

A-Team; Sort Of…
10 July 2010
Do not go see this movie if you think you're going to reminisce over your youth. However, if you, like me, can forget all about the television series, you'll do alright.This movie was great. I loved it. NOT the old A-Team, so don't go poking around. About the only link to the old series that even remotely reminded me of that show was the liberal playing of the theme song at varying tempos throughout the movie. I have to say that Liam Neeson is one of my favorite actors of all time. He kicked monumental ass in Batman Begins. And he floored me in Love Actually (chick flick,.. the only one I haven't wanted to walk out of). Awesome guy, really well played. And, I have to say that Rampage shocked me. I actually believed that BA had taken the path on non-violence and his MMA moves on the bad guy were epic. [EDITED THIS PART BECAUSE I WAS INCORRECT HERE, RAMPAGE IS NOT A BODY GUARD FOR ANY SLEEZY MOVIE COMPANIES,... I CONFUSED HIM WITH KIMBO SLICE,.. I KNOW *SHAKES HEAD SADLY* I'M A JACKASS]. And what can I say about Murdock? Easily my favorite character (we have a lot in common) and I loved the idea of a mid-inversion helicopter stall, even though the physics is all wrong and that it is actually IMPOSSIBLE on every level to do that stunt,.. still, it was just insane enough and epic enough to work for the film. And, explain to me why a heli pilot knows a damned thing about piloting a C-130??? ...or a tank for that matter?? But, that's the kind of movie I LOVE. It doesn't have to make sense if it’s good. Hell, someone just might figure out HOW to make that helicopter stunt work in real life!!! So, go see this movie, cause I wanna know how they work out a sequel!!!

Eclipse – Let The Pathos Begin
10 July 2010
Ok, so, my continued devotion to this movie series limps forward. I'm wondering if I have made an error somewhere regarding my commitment to seeing all the movies. Oh, and BTW,... I apologize in advance, for all the typos I won't be correcting as I am on a very short break and trying to stuff my face while I update my profile and stories.

Last night I took the kiddos to the drive-in (more on THAT in another story). What can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said in the previous movies? Not much. Except that the wolf-phasing mid-air and the fight scenes were super bad ass and almost worth the money. Oh, and, Taylor Lautner soaking wet wasn't a bad sight either!!! OMG,.. still feel like a fricken pedophile checking that BOY out, but, well, those thirty pounds of lean muscle he packed on for this flick were well placed. Kudos to his trainers.And, what can I say about Charlie?? Only that there has never been a more perfect book-to-movie casting EVER!!! He couldn't possibly be a better Charlie!!! What an awesome actor! I'm gonna IMDb him as soon as I have two seconds to spare. Alright, honestly, someone else needs to do that and just leave me the link!!! No time for movie trivia.

The rest of the cast. Well, Kristen Stewart's stuttering portrayal of the innocent and wall-flower-of-a-girl Bella is and was as usual, passable. Barely. And Robert Pattinson,.. how do you find the words? Even when trying to portray absolute joy and rapture, he still managed to look constipated. Not sure how those two emotions marry up, but there you have my biggest issue with the whole damned series (get it,... vampires,... 'damned'.....ok, enough). When you take a book, and go to screen, it doesn't always translate well. AND, when you have actors suffering from the degree of hubris that these kids apparently do, well, you end up with a movie where all the people are basically playing themselves with a few spins on who they think the characters 'really are.'

Now I only have one more left to endure, and most of it is gonna be newlywed passion and birthing. Holy Crap,.. I didn't think about that!!! I guess the worst is yet to come!!!

Toy Story 3 – Holy Crap!
5 July 2010
Ok, took my kiddos to see this flick. For starters,.. Oh My God!!! Can Pixar make a flick that DOESN'T make my soul weep??? The first movie was tough with the kid missing his favorite toys and all. But, the animation was so breathtaking you didn't really feel overwhelmed with grief or loss. The second movie was so hosed,... I closed my eyes through that flick. It was so f-ing sad and depressing. Holy hellhounds of Antioch!!! I couldn't quite breathe I was so verklempt. Oy vey!!! Depressing

Toy Story 3 was a lot like BEACHES. You know what's gonna happen in the end, it just sucks right up to that point. THEN, when he gives his precious friends to the little girl, you're like "OMG WTF!!!!" and "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" You watch the little toys gaze wistfully as Andy drives away forever. Holy Crap, I cried my eyes out. Then of course, all of us old crones just sat there crestfallen, remembering loved toys long lost. It was a painful reverie,.. especially for those of us who had shitty childhoods.

But, for all her flaws, my sister does rock from time to time!!! I don't have to cry over lost toys that are never to be found. I only had one toy growing up. Yes, my childhood sucked ass. Probably, it's why I work my ass off to give my kids all the things I didn't have, starting with a MOM. Well, my only toy growing up was a gift that I was given by a woman who had tried to adopt me when I was 2. She gave me a Mrs. Beasley doll. Just like the one from A Family Affair, from the seventies. Well, that doll is long gone,.. her glasses got eaten, by me. Her dress was used as a cape at one point. Her hair was set on fire at one point. Her string to her talking box was yanked out during a fist fight with my brother. And, she was funky and stained by the time she met her doom. I was always really sad at the loss.

And then, for my 35th birthday, my sister pulled off a magic trick. I opened my birthday present, and to my shock and surprise, was a brand new Mrs. Beasley doll, in mint condition, original packaging. The fucking doll must have cost a fortune. But, we grew up poor and in a truly fucked up environment. We never had anything. My doll was played with, aggressively and every single day. The wear and tear she suffered was from being my ONLY toy. And now, I have her back.

Getting back to the uber-painful Toy Story 3,.. we all have things from our youth we'd have liked to hang onto: looks, hair, scar-less bodies, perky breasts, thin waist, flawless skin... And since we can't hang onto those things in any tangible way, our youth is represented in our toys. Memories held in freeze frame, forever remembering that we were once young, naive, fresh and excited about the world of opportunity opened wide. That's what our toys represent for us, and their loss is marked so profoundly by the loss of all that was once our younger selves. It's what the movies represent,... the painful side of the cycle of life. Our time in the sun with our treasures is over and we march off into the autumn of our lives missing things.

SCREW YOU Toy Story!!! I'm taking my doll, and I'm going home.

Better Off Dead
19 May 2010
For those of you who were alive and sentient in the 80s, then you remember the Brat Pack, and all those films they made. Yeah, sure, I went and saw most of them. In particular, The Breakfast Club was prophetic, as my stoic parents sat there beside me, attempting to have a bonding moment with me, and my obnoxious teen-age arrogant self wondered if they understood the clever subtext. While those movies were, well, what they were...one movie from the 80s truly stands out in my mind as a defining moment for me.

My best friend, Molly and I were supposed to be studying at the library. Everything where we lived was walking distance. She and I did a lot of walking. So, there we were, and I didn't want to study. I certainly didn't want to study Italian Rennaissance Poetry. After much whining and complaining on my part, Molly said, "well, what DO you want to do?" I considered the options, and I had some money in my pocket. "Hey," I said, struck with lightning, "let's go see a movie!" She stared at me for a long time, before closing her books and putting them into her bag. I couldn't believe it, she wasn't usually convinced so easily to go along with one of my ideas.

So, we walked down to this one strip mall that had a tiny little theater. I had a good bundle of money, so I knew I could pay for us both to get in and get popcorn and soda. Well, then the theater had a sign that said if you were a student with ID, you got in for one dollar. Yeah, try finding THAT in a theater today. So, I bought us the tickets, soda, popcorn, hot dogs, and all the candy and junk food you'd need to get good and sick. I almost didn't care what we saw. Then, the movie started. We both laughed so hard and ate so much junk, I think we were both sick to our stomachs for a week! But the flick was so great. I've tried to find it on DVD, but haven't tried very hard since I'm sure its out there. If you get a chance to see it, try to think back to life in the 80s.

I mean, other than when I failed her, my mother barely registered that I was a sentient being. Outside that, I was pretty much an island. I think more and more kids today feel like that: islands, distant, remote and uncharted. This movie didn't resonate as well with my teens, they found it boring. But, when life was simpler, there was no internet, most houses didn't have a computer, let alone three, and most houses didn't have cable. The movies didn't cost a fortune, dating actually meant going places together by yourselves (and not with your parent who had to drive you), and the worst thing that happened at high school was getting your period during class, or having someone spread rumors about you. Its a sweet movie, about a different time.

Miss-Billing In The Trailers
21 April 2010
When I think of miss-billing, My Blue Heaven comes to mind. If you don't know what "miss-billing" is, it is when the trailer shows clips that make the movie seem like it's one genre, when it really isn't at all. In the case of My Blue Heaven, it was originally billed as this great comedy, and yet, all the really funny parts were IN the trailer. This happens a lot and it really frustrates me.

The most recent incidence of this is Kickass. It is billed as an action/comedy. It is not. Do not take your kids to see this movie. It is actually really dark and has some really seedy aspects to it. While the movie itself isn't bad, it certainly is NOT comedic, though there are a few funny parts. I just never want to explain to my younger kids why the ten year old girl with purple hair is getting beat nearly to death by the fully grown man.

You just end up having to see the movies, and take your chances from time to time. This goes along with the critics as well. Many movies that I love were panned by critics. Usually, their commentary includes words like "sophomoric" and "trite." But, I like silliness and potty humor is always funny, not matter who you are.

Not All Movies Are Good
28 March 2010
...but sometimes, there's enough worthwhile parts to make a bad movie worth seeing.
I've seen some really SH!TTY movies in my day. But usually, even in a truly terrible movie, there is some redeeming quality that makes the whole suckfest palatable. Honestly, there have been a few that were so terrible, that nothing could redeem them (reminiscing I can recall Angel Eyes and Dungeons and Dragons). There are also those silent surprises, the ones where I had no idea the movie existed, but found myself at the theatre at odd times with few choices, and happened to see a fantastic movie I would not have seen otherwise. On that list (and deserving of reference OUTSIDE parenthesis) are: Spirited Away, Love Actually (uber-chick flick, but still great) and Eternal Sunshine (has a much longer title, but I can't remember the whole thing -- Jim Carrey).

I will admit, that I read the Twilight series and fell in love. In my defense, I am NOT one of those rabid Twi-Moms. What happened was this, I had just had a baby via c-section, it was pretty traumatic (surgery sucks) and the day I arrived home from the hospital, I found myself alone with a newborn, a toddler and a six-inch smiley-face incision. None of the people I had arranged to help were able to help which left me totally f*cked and completely alone. I got pretty depressed, with Post-Partum Depression. My then-husband's reaction to my plight: he told me to "suck it up, because the family needs you right now." This baby was number 8, and so I had a lot on my plate, yet couldn't really move without mind-searing pain and I couldn't take the pain meds because I had to be alert enough to take care of the babies. A friend loaned me the series, and I sat on my shrinking @ss, nursed my baby, and read, read, read. Diving into a good series, a simple series that was easy to read (non-cerebral and flake-friendly), just made life suck less. And, by the time I was finished reading the series, the PPD had vanished, and I was not in pain any more and life was an enjoyable existence.

So, out of deference to the author, Stephenie Meyer, I committed to watching the movies -- because I was so helped by her story that I felt honor-bound to watch the movies. I wasn't surprised to see Kristen Stewart in the line-up. Her looks were and are a dead ringer to Bella. Robert Pattinson is NOT a comfortable match for Edward, but, as I was not consulted, whatever. I loved Shark Boy as Jacob and I thought that the actor chosen to play Charlie was as perfect a match as could be found. Twilight, in short, sucked. Sorry Twi-rabid-fans, but the movie sucked butt. Why does Edward's character skittle up trees like a spider monkey??? Why couldn't they simply do the "forest of Endor" bit, like they did in Star Wars VI twenty years ago? I mean, he RUNS fast. There isn't anything remotely hinting at climbing trees with the finger-nails. Its not only ridiculous, and silly, but it does NOT translate well onto the big screen. I laughed my @ss off in the theatre watching those scenes (pissing off every tween within earshot). And what's with Edward's perpetual constipation??? I wouldn't think a purely liquid diet would wreek that kind of havoc on the digestive tract. But there he is, scene after painfully constricted scene, looking like he needs a pessary.

It was with deep chagrin that I purchased the New Moon movie. I didn't go see it at the theatre. I would have preferred to see it at the theatre, but I just never found the time (8 kids, divorce, you get it). So, I LOVED LOVED LOVED Taylor Lautner. Shark boy did good. He is gorgeous and my oh my has he grown into one impeccable specimen. Holy Sh!t Batman, that boy is beautiful. Of course, at my middle-age, I feel like a pedophile. Perhaps this is what Hugh Hefner feels like. But, I digress.

Edward still seemed (though we see less of him) constipated. Kristen Stewart IS NOT a good match for Bella, she brings a pissy quality to the character that wasn't needed or wanted. I end up wanting to smack her. The phasing scenes were awesome, and I was seriously worried here because of the misstep of the "skittling up the trees" bit from the first flick. Still, there were significant pieces that were,...silly. But, it was better than the first. Hopefully, but the next movie, these actors will settle into the characters more, and stop trying to put their personal spin on it. The characters were well written and fully developed on their own. So, its been a bit tough watching Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson playing basically themselves with undertones of the characters. If you've seen Speak, with Kristen Stewart, than you've seen her portrayal of Bella. If you've seen Robert in ANYTHING since Harry Potter IV, then you've seen him portray his version of Edward. This is why avid book readers go ballistic when their passion comes to life on the silver screen: an actor, suffering from a self-aggrandizing ego who sees a new spin for the character. It isn't just about adding things that are unnecessary, or removing pivotal plot points; its about telling the tale of the characters. This requires that the character be portrayed as written. Sure, take artistic license and change up the look a LITTLE. Or maybe, the dialog needs to be altered here or there. But to change the essence of the character, well, that changes how that character would respond, react. And that makes the story get choppy and disjointed. It stops making sense. The cohesiveness is broken and you can't just shove the broken bits together to make the movie. That's why it feels like most of Twilight got left on the editing room floor. New Moon has the same dilemma, although not as bad.

I hope that Eclipse and Breaking Dawn are better. Even if they are not, I will still go see the movies, and watch the actors try to breathe life into the characters; my friends who walked me through a dark spot in my life, and helped me see the sunshine again.

Never Ask What Can Happen Next, Cause You Won't Believe What Can

Everytime my life makes sense, starts to move in a new direction, some new bullshit pops up to remind me that I am not in control of my pathetic life. Just when I know who I am and where I'm headed, the rug gets ripped out from beneath my feet. I'm never on solid ground. Never

My main issue: I trust people. I believe in them. I am the world's best corner man. Who is my corner man?? No one. I stand here all by my fucking self. Alone, since my biological mother fucked off with the most recent guy she was fucking,,... I am alone.

Here I sit, all broken hearted.... yeah, fuck that.

Here I sit wondering where the characteristics like honor, faith, and dedication have gone. Oh yeah, and that awesome thing that seems to be missing: character. Fuck you if you can't handle the truth. You know??? Holy crap. We all have shit to get through. What's the point of making other people's shit worse? Do you really feel better about your own pile of crap? If you do, then you're more fucked than I am, and that is saying something.

Here's where the rug gets pulled out: people are people, and I just keep trusting and expecting that people are going to live up to what they say they're gonna live up to. When they fail, they think they've failed me. But, they haven't failed me. Sure, I think it sucks. I depend on people, sometimes, rarely, and I need them to come through on their end. When they don't, its up to me to make the ends meet. And, I usually do. Really, they fail themselves. And they can be pissed all they want to, even pissed at me. But, if you let me down, was it because I expected too much of you,... or because you knew you weren't up to snuff?

Bullsheedo. That's what I see. A whole lot of flubbing resumes, and a whole lot of "faking it" from folks who hope they'll eventually "make it." It doesn't matter where you start, only that you have a direction. It doesn't matter what obstacles stand in your way, only that you strive to overcome them. And, it doesn't matter who works against you, so long as you aren't doing the same to others. Be a positive entity in the world, that's it. Be a positive entity. And for God's sakes, stop telling me that I'm your everything, when I'm not ANYTHING you want or need.

EP STORY No Time Left

I Hate Fake People
26 April 2010
Seriously, I have no time left for fake people. I have no time left for posers. And yet, I'm sitting here writing about these asshats like they matter. Clearly they matter to me on some level. It's just so frustrating. I have to be there, on top of my game, when I'm on shift, when I'm with my kids, when I'm asleep for crying out loud. I don't have time to be a fricken' poser, or to beat around the bush. I have time to hit the nail on the head, get straight to the point, dig deep and get this done. When I find time to bop around online, or kick it with my friends, I cherish that time and make the most of it. Even when I'm shaking things down and letting go of my professional self, I still keep it real--stay true to who I am. Isn't everyone too busy to be bothering to be fake and stupid? Apparently not. Why can't people EVER just cut to the skinny and be honest?

EP STORY Miss Billing In The Trailers

I Love Movies
21 April 2010

When I think of miss-billing, My Blue Heaven comes to mind. If you don't know what "miss-billing" is, it is when the trailer shows clips that make the movie seem like it's one genre, when it really isn't at all. In the case of My Blue Heaven, it was originally billed as this great comedy, and yet, all the really funny parts were IN the trailer. This happens a lot and it really frustrates me.

The most recent incidence of this is Kickass. It is billed as an action/comedy. It is not. Do not take your kids to see this movie. It is actually really dark and has some really seedy aspects to it. While the movie itself isn't bad, it certainly is NOT comedic, though there are a few funny parts. I just never want to explain to my younger kids why the ten year old girl with purple hair is getting beat nearly to death by the fully grown man.

You just end up having to see the movies, and take your chances from time to time. This goes along with the critics as well. Many movies that I love were panned by critics. Usually, their commentary includes words like "sophomoric" and "trite." But, I like silliness and potty humor is always funny, not matter who you are.

EP STORY Not All Movies Are Good

I Love Movies
28 March 2010
Not all movies are good;
...but sometimes, there's enough worthwhile parts to make a bad movie worth seeing.


I've seen some really SH!TTY movies in my day. But usually, even in a truly terrible movie, there is some redeeming quality that makes the whole suckfest palatable. Honestly, there have been a few that were so terrible, that nothing could redeem them (reminiscing I can recall Angel Eyes and Dungeons and Dragons). There are also those silent surprises, the ones where I had no idea the movie existed, but found myself at the theatre at odd times with few choices, and happened to see a fantastic movie I would not have seen otherwise. On that list (and deserving of reference OUTSIDE parenthesis) are: Spirited Away, Love Actually (uber-chick flick, but still great) and Eternal Sunshine (has a much longer title, but I can't remember the whole thing -- Jim Carrey).

I will admit, that I read the Twilight series and fell in love. In my defense, I am NOT one of those rabid Twi-Moms. What happened was this, I had just had a baby via c-section, it was pretty traumatic (surgery sucks) and the day I arrived home from the hospital, I found myself alone with a newborn, a toddler and a six-inch smiley-face incision. None of the people I had arranged to help were able to help which left me totally fucked and completely alone. I got pretty depressed, with Post-Partum Depression. I was told to "suck it up, because the family needs you right now." This baby was number 8, and so I had a lot on my plate, yet couldn't really move without mind-searing pain and I couldn't take the pain meds because I had to be alert enough to take care of the babies. A friend loaned me the series, and I sat on my shrinking ass, nursed my baby, and read, read, read. Diving into a good series, a simple series that was easy to read (non-cerebral and flake-friendly), just made life suck less. And, by the time I was finished reading the series, the PPD had vanished, and I was not in pain any more and life was an enjoyable existence.

So, out of deference to the author, Stephenie Meyer, I committed to watching the movies -- because I was so helped by her story that I felt honor-bound to watch the movies. I wasn't surprised to see Kristen Stewart in the line-up. Her looks were and are a dead ringer to Bella. Robert Pattinson is NOT a comfortable match for Edward, but, as I was not consulted, whatever. I loved Shark Boy as Jacob and I thought that the actor chosen to play Charlie was as perfect a match as could be found. Twilight, in short, sucked. Sorry Twi-rabid-fans, but the movie sucked butt. Why does Edward's character skittle up trees like a spider monkey??? Why couldn't they simply do the "forest of Endor" bit, like they did in Star Wars VI twenty years ago? I mean, he RUNS fast. There isn't anything remotely hinting at climbing trees with the finger-nails. Its not only ridiculous, and silly, but it does NOT translate well onto the big screen. I laughed my @ss off in the theatre watching those scenes (pissing off every tween within earshot). And what's with Edward's perpetual constipation??? I wouldn't think a purely liquid diet would wreek that kind of havoc on the digestive tract. But there he is, scene after painfully constricted scene, looking like he needs a pessary.

It was with deep chagrin that I purchased the New Moon movie. I didn't go see it at the theatre. I would have preferred to see it at the theatre, but I just never found the time. So, I LOVED LOVED LOVED Taylor Lautner. Shark boy did good. He is gorgeous and my oh my has he grown into one impeccable specimen. Holy Shit Batman, that boy is beautiful. Of course, at my middle-age, I feel like a pedophile. Perhaps this is what Hugh Hefner feels like. But, I digress.

Edward still seemed (though we see less of him) constipated. Kristen Stewart IS NOT a good match for Bella, she brings a pissy quality to the character that wasn't needed or wanted. I end up wanting to smack her. The phasing scenes were awesome, and I was seriously worried here because of the misstep of the "skittling up the trees" bit from the first flick. Still, there were significant pieces that were,...silly. But, it was better than the first. Hopefully, but the next movie, these actors will settle into the characters more, and stop trying to put their personal spin on it. The characters were well written and fully developed on their own. So, its been a bit tough watching Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson playing basically themselves with undertones of the characters. If you've seen Speak, with Kristen Stewart, than you've seen her portrayal of Bella. If you've seen Robert in ANYTHING since Harry Potter IV, then you've seen him portray his version of Edward. This is why avid book readers go ballistic when their passion comes to life on the silver screen: an actor, suffering from a self-aggrandizing ego who sees a new spin for the character. It isn't just about adding things that are unnecessary, or removing pivotal plot points; its about telling the tale of the characters. This requires that the character be portrayed as written. Sure, take artistic license and change up the look a LITTLE. Or maybe, the dialog needs to be altered here or there. But to change the essence of the character, well, that changes how that character would respond, react. And that makes the story get choppy and disjointed. It stops making sense. The cohesiveness is broken and you can't just shove the broken bits together to make the movie. That's why it feels like most of Twilight got left on the editing room floor. New Moon has the same dilemma, although not as bad.

I hope that Eclipse and Breaking Dawn are better. Even if they are not, I will still go see the movies, and watch the actors try to breathe life into the characters; my friends who walked me through a dark spot in my life, and helped me see the sunshine again.

EP STORY The Language Barrier

I Think Men and Women Are Different
23 February 2010
I've noticed a difference between women and men in the way they have respond to events in other people's lives. On the topic of divorce, I hate to admit it but, it is divided right down the sex. The women, while sympathetic, steer clear of the divorcing woman like she has a disease and they're afraid she's contagious. The men, instinctively recognizing the vulnerability, while acknowledging the weaknesses of their "buddy", are VERY supportive and willing to help with the things they THINK he was doing. Overtly, they mean mowing my lawn, fixing the drywall in the laundryroom, working on her car. Subtly, I think they are willing to offer a bit more help and secretly hoping that some of the stories in Penthouse Forum are actually true. When you get right down to it, when they hear, "Husband likes younger girls, we're getting a divorce," the women hear, "you could be next;" while the men hear, "YOU could be next......" Ok, so its the same words, but the meaning is so very different.

For those of you, still married, happily or otherwise, you have to start out knowing you speak different languages. And, I don't mean the trite, "mars and venus" crap. We read those books too, and it really didn't help US communicate with EACH OTHER. We could figure out what was wrong, but not how to fix it. If you want to keep things working, you have to move to that next step. Ok, so there IS a language barrier, now move to the next step and try to reach across the chasm and understand each other. If your partner misunderstood you, then you failed to clearly express yourself. YOU have to ensure they understand on THEIR end what you truly mean. In a communication skills workshop I attended, the moderator said this: the responsibility in any disagreement rests with the one who is bugged by the event. That means that if your partner pisses you off, the responsibility to initiate the discussion is YOU because the issue lies with YOU. You can't expect your partner to know all the instances where he or she pissed you off, nor are they responsible to correct those events without your involvement. I bring this up because of the number of times that I've heard this phrase from one of my friends: he should know that I'm upset. Um, no, he shouldn't. Unless he's clairvoyant.


Men have "wants," Women have "feelings." Men WANT to feel basically one thing,...orgasm. Other than that, I'm sure they want to feel wanted, loved, appreciated. But, correct me if I'm wrong guys, men would take sex over their "feelings" any day, every day. Obviously not to be treated like scum, cause I've seen that too. But I'm talking generalities here. Women, want to FEEL. Here is a quick list of the things women want to feel, and they are NOT in order, or preference or indicative of anything else: loved, cherished, worshipped, appreciated, needed, supported, sexy, feminine, strong, romantic, intelligent, vibrant, essential, modern, classic, did I say "sexy" yet? ...and they'd REALLY, REALLY, REALLY like to feel orgasms at least as often as their mates do. But you have this language thing, getting in the way. A woman can be set upon making love to a man, and all he has to do to screw it all up is talk.

My best friend says this little snippet all the time. She says, women hear more than just the words. So when a man says, "I don't know what you like" the woman hears, "I don't know you." And, by that she hears, "I don't LOVE you." So you can imagine his confusion when all he WANTS is to know what she wants to eat for dinner, and she bursts out in tears lamenting, "you don't love me." Men want you to tell them, and they want you to say it in a way that does not demean them or imply that they are stupid. Men are not stupid, but they do not take leaps of logic. All he really wants is to enjoy a meal with you, that you enjoy, and his tastes are varied so he's amenable to letting you pick out what you'd like to eat. But, at the same time, he can say things that sound so heartless and shallow, and he means nothing by it. It hasn't occured to him what you might infer (however correctly) from the sometimes thoughtless things he says. And, women take HUGE leaps of logic, sometimes to their peril. But, no one will read you and know you, between the lines and between the sheets quite like a woman who CAN take giant leaps in logic. A woman that can pull together seemingly unrelated bits of data is both exciting and surprisingly intuitive, and annoying and frustrating.

If we take a minute, to ensure that the message gets across, however which way it must go, maybe we can start communicating and moving on to step two, UNDERSTANDING. Wouldn't it be great?

Taking A Break

I'm so tired of transferring my data from Experience Project to here!!! OMG, what a project. And, I haven't even begun working on my stories!! Holy crap batman!!! AND, there are fifty stories and posts I need to weed through. Didn't think I had that much to bitch about!!!

As time goes on, and I have to deal with the day to day backblast from those taht do read this new blog; I wonder, why am I doing this? While I love blogging, and really letting loose and just speaking my mind; it was said to me, by one of my many 'judged' that no one can speak their mind without facing repercussions. Why is that? Shouldn't people be able to speak their mind, and not have eight hundred hungry hippos ready to snap off their appendages???

Here's an open invitation to you, the reader: speak your mind. Make comments in my blog, even about shit that isn't related to the posting. Speak your mind. Let it all go. Just say whatever the hell comes to mind. I won't judge you. Freedom of speech is inalienable. So, speak. The asshats of the world can do their bullshit dance. Well, fuck them. Life is too fucking short. I've always fallen short of the mark in their eyes. May as well go down fighting.

Favorite quote from a movie, ever!!! "Its better to burn out than fade away."

Experience Project 19

I'm Like Michael Jordan
13 July 2010
I've said it before, a few times. But now, I have decided that there really isn't any choice left. You all might know that certain individuals I would prefer NOT read my shit, have and do. And, I get to hear about it IRL. It sucks ass. You know? Instead of being my private domain, where I can just let go and be the real, pissed off me inside; its now a source of material to have thrown in my face everytime an argument breaks out. It's such a total load of crap too. And yet, so fucking sick of the bullshit and the bitching. BBBLLLEEEECCCCHHHHHH!!!

Screw it all, I'm taking my ball and I'm going home. Seriously, I am leaving EP and gonna build a new profile elsewhere. I think every one deserves to have that anonymous place to vent their thoughts and their frustrations without the bullshit repercussions from people who don't recognize what the term 'personal space' is. Everyone deserves that space to just be open and let all their giggly bits hang free; without being judged. And you know what? Those fucking narfbag asshats who pry into your personal space are really just saying this: "I don't respect you, I don't respect your mind, I don't respect your feelings, I don't respect your privacy and I DON'T RESPECT YOUR HUMANITY."

Yes, you might be thinking that, if someone in my real life is able to read my stuff here, then they are going to read this. YES, they ARE. IRL, I have said how upset I am. I have said how violated I felt. I have said the things I ought to have said. But I said those things in my "me" voice. The people in my life know me as a god-damned door mat. I have been a door mat most of my life. The reason people in my 'real life' are prying into my shit, is because suddenly (not suddenly to me, only to them), I am behaving differently than before. Yes, dear friends, ANGRYFACE has grown a back-bone. And because of all of you, awesome people, I'm learning that I can say whatever the fuck I want. I have every right to feel and think as I do. And the people in my life who aren't comfortable with the REAL me, really only ever wanted a doormat. Well, they can find a door mat ANYWHERE. I don't have to sign up for that gig anymore. I don't have to bend over and take the pole with no lube. I can face you or anyone else, flip the double bird and say "Go Fuck Yourself" with a big-ass smile on my face.

Still, I am leaving EP. Just so you know, this IS the best social networking site on the web. It is. But, some of these people in my life, they don't care about what I need, or what fulfillment I get out of being here. They only care about their self, and how they might appear, however unnamed and unknown, to my circle. I wanted this site so I could express things I didn't want to share with these people. Because they judge me, they find me lacking and short-of-the-mark. Because they find fault with me. Because they compare me to others and I end up last, or less. Because they don't know me. Because they don't want to know me. I am sad to go, but, you can all still read about my angry bitching pathos on my blog at blogspot. I'm not sure how you find me, exactly, except to say that my blog is here

http://angryface1970.blogspot.com

For my circle, kids, you guys are awesome. I will contact you separately and let you know where I'm headed. You guys have been the best. The truth will set you free. ANGRYFACE

Experience Project 18

I'm An Asshat
7 July 2010
Ok, so sometimes my anger backfires. Sometimes, the reason I stand alone is because I've pushed everyone away. It's amazing to me that several months later, I have ANYONE in my circle at all. Of course, NOW, because of my rapid fire mouth and stunning reparte, my circle just got smaller. All I can say is this: if you think I'm ever going to be perfect, you're sadly looking to the wrong chicadee. I am NOT perfect and am never going to be perfect. Sometimes, I shoot of my mouth in the worst possible way. I am sorry to my dear friend that I verbally assaulted out of anger and misunderstanding. And yet, if you don't want to be in my circle, I get it. I'm a bit much to deal with, temper and such aside. However, we all come here as less than perfect people and I try to be understanding and accepting. Just hope that you can do the same.

One thing I have always been proud of, about myself, is my ability to recognize that I've been wrong and to apologize. I do make mistakes and try to be open about it, try to account for my bad behavior and correct it. Still, sometimes you can't wallow any more in your own mistakes, you have to move on, grow and move on. And, the people that you've hurt, well, they need to move on as well. People have hurt me before and it sucks. But I too had to forgive them and move on--even if only for myself to move on.

And in the midst of all the chaos, having pissed off a friend, and feeling like I can't get anything right, I have to be thankful for at least one thing: I didn't break anything this time!