I Think Men and Women Are Different
23 February 2010
I've noticed a difference between women and men in the way they have respond to events in other people's lives. On the topic of divorce, I hate to admit it but, it is divided right down the sex. The women, while sympathetic, steer clear of the divorcing woman like she has a disease and they're afraid she's contagious. The men, instinctively recognizing the vulnerability, while acknowledging the weaknesses of their "buddy", are VERY supportive and willing to help with the things they THINK he was doing. Overtly, they mean mowing my lawn, fixing the drywall in the laundryroom, working on her car. Subtly, I think they are willing to offer a bit more help and secretly hoping that some of the stories in Penthouse Forum are actually true. When you get right down to it, when they hear, "Husband likes younger girls, we're getting a divorce," the women hear, "you could be next;" while the men hear, "YOU could be next......" Ok, so its the same words, but the meaning is so very different.
For those of you, still married, happily or otherwise, you have to start out knowing you speak different languages. And, I don't mean the trite, "mars and venus" crap. We read those books too, and it really didn't help US communicate with EACH OTHER. We could figure out what was wrong, but not how to fix it. If you want to keep things working, you have to move to that next step. Ok, so there IS a language barrier, now move to the next step and try to reach across the chasm and understand each other. If your partner misunderstood you, then you failed to clearly express yourself. YOU have to ensure they understand on THEIR end what you truly mean. In a communication skills workshop I attended, the moderator said this: the responsibility in any disagreement rests with the one who is bugged by the event. That means that if your partner pisses you off, the responsibility to initiate the discussion is YOU because the issue lies with YOU. You can't expect your partner to know all the instances where he or she pissed you off, nor are they responsible to correct those events without your involvement. I bring this up because of the number of times that I've heard this phrase from one of my friends: he should know that I'm upset. Um, no, he shouldn't. Unless he's clairvoyant.
Men have "wants," Women have "feelings." Men WANT to feel basically one thing,...orgasm. Other than that, I'm sure they want to feel wanted, loved, appreciated. But, correct me if I'm wrong guys, men would take sex over their "feelings" any day, every day. Obviously not to be treated like scum, cause I've seen that too. But I'm talking generalities here. Women, want to FEEL. Here is a quick list of the things women want to feel, and they are NOT in order, or preference or indicative of anything else: loved, cherished, worshipped, appreciated, needed, supported, sexy, feminine, strong, romantic, intelligent, vibrant, essential, modern, classic, did I say "sexy" yet? ...and they'd REALLY, REALLY, REALLY like to feel orgasms at least as often as their mates do. But you have this language thing, getting in the way. A woman can be set upon making love to a man, and all he has to do to screw it all up is talk.
My best friend says this little snippet all the time. She says, women hear more than just the words. So when a man says, "I don't know what you like" the woman hears, "I don't know you." And, by that she hears, "I don't LOVE you." So you can imagine his confusion when all he WANTS is to know what she wants to eat for dinner, and she bursts out in tears lamenting, "you don't love me." Men want you to tell them, and they want you to say it in a way that does not demean them or imply that they are stupid. Men are not stupid, but they do not take leaps of logic. All he really wants is to enjoy a meal with you, that you enjoy, and his tastes are varied so he's amenable to letting you pick out what you'd like to eat. But, at the same time, he can say things that sound so heartless and shallow, and he means nothing by it. It hasn't occured to him what you might infer (however correctly) from the sometimes thoughtless things he says. And, women take HUGE leaps of logic, sometimes to their peril. But, no one will read you and know you, between the lines and between the sheets quite like a woman who CAN take giant leaps in logic. A woman that can pull together seemingly unrelated bits of data is both exciting and surprisingly intuitive, and annoying and frustrating.
If we take a minute, to ensure that the message gets across, however which way it must go, maybe we can start communicating and moving on to step two, UNDERSTANDING. Wouldn't it be great?
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