Experience Project 12

Reflections From The Public Loo
19 June 2010
I was at the mall today (kill me, right,... now). I had to go pee, so I headed to the bathrooms in the food court. The food court bathrooms tend to get cleaned more often (this is true). Not that you need to know my bathroom habits, but I noticed something when I was there.

First of all; on a long row of stalls, most of which are open, why do people insist on utilizing the stall directly beside mine??? I don't want a public experience. I want a private experience. Why do people feel the need to gravitate to the stalls next to other people? Stay away,.. use the one down there.... I want to be in peace to do my thing.

Second; if you DO happen to go into the stall directly beside mine, you get what you deserve. I didn't come here for tea. I came here to do a myriad of things considered impolite in public. Don't get pissy because I pass gas. THAT'S WHY I WENT TO THE BATHROOM, MORON!!! Don't comment on any noises or apparent evacuation you might overhear. You could have gone to the stalls over there. But NOOOOOO, you went right here, next to me. Get over it.

Third; if you happen to be in the loo, and whilst washing your hands, notice you have bad breath left over from lunch, don't you dare (and I MEAN IT), don't you DARE go to those vending machines and buy ANYTHING. Reminder: you are in a public bathroom!!! You don't EAT anything in a public bathroom. I don't know what jackass decided that it was a good idea to try to tap out the change purse of women in the loo, but it was a bad, horrible, disgusting idea. That person, should be flogged with spaghetti in a public bathroom.

Fourth; and this one applies MORE to the fellas, but occassionally (ew) the girls. That cologne bar on the wall over there.... yeah, under NO circumstances are you to purchase a squirt of artificial, rubbing alcohol and formaldehyde laden pheromones!!! Even if you are a mechanic, and you just spent twelve hours beneath a car in the sweltering heat, believe me, you smell better than that shit. Even if you are a farmer, and you spent twelve hours watching cows go by,.. believe me, you smell better on your own. Here's a hint: shower first and use soap. Not AXE,... or any other uber-smelly crap. We women do not need you to bash us in the nose with multiple layers of AXE in a desperate attempt to drag us back to the cave. And if you ARE going to insist that you use the AXE products to lure the ladies,... for God's sake, PLEASE use the SAME scent for all three bits... shampoo/soap/deodorant. Please stop using a different scent for all three,.. I can't take the migraines any more. Seriously. And for the "ladies," if you think that bathroom perfume smells good, I would say that your olfactory senses have been assaulted with too much AXE. Ladies,.. your own natural scent smells so much better than bathroom perfume, I can't believe I even need to mention it.

Fifth; travelling in packs. I have never needed accompaniement to the loo. Yet, whenever I am there, I am assaulted with packs of younger women. Packs of them. Why do you travel to the loo in packs? Is there safety in numbers? Do the young men find it weird that you all stand at once and head to the loo like a flock of seagulls? I find it odd. I also find it odd that although I am eight hundred years old, you all find it necessary to assess my attire and accessories. I'm eight hundred, not in your league. I have no interest in chasing your prospective mates. In fact, the only chasing I plan on doing, is to chase that damned bartender down to get another drink. Your underaged whimsy holds no appeal for me.Getting back to the loo. Why are purveyors of public restrooms replacing the towels with the violent Xcellerators? You know what these are... They are the air blowers that mimic flight at mach ten over your hands. They are the ones that send the kiddos screaming that their faces were blown off. Sure, it's funny, and they actually blow fast enough to dry your hands (unlike those from my youth, that were more like old people with emphesema, blowing germs gently on your hands). However, where does the air come from inside those things? Yeah, from inside the room. Do you know what "aerosol" means? Well, the air in the loo ain't clean. So, using the inside air, means these things are blasting the germs from within the room at mach ten over my hands I just washed.Yes, I am that person that just dried their hands on the back of my pants, and opened the restroom door with my elbow. Public bathrooms have cooties. Ewwwwwwwww.