Experience Project 14

Lont Time Been Gone
4 July 2010
Have you ever needed a place to express yourself and found that such a place didn't exist? That's what this blog is for me,.. a private space to vent my frustrations, talk about things and just generally be 'myself'. I love EP. I love this space. I love that I can rant about any psychotic thing. Not many read my stuff, and even fewer comment. I can just, write whatever comes to mind and let the thoughts go freely.

What began as a place for self-exploration and expression has been used against me. You know, it really sucks, having your privacy violated and the sanctum sanctorium not so sanctum-like. I really need this space because in my real life, I'm miss Nice Girl. I don't say anything cross to anyone, never confront people. I always just walk away, and try really hard to get everyone to get along. It sucks ass. Seriously. Sometimes, I just want to yell, "YEAH!!! Well FUCK YYYYOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!!" But I don't. I never do. I smile, angrily, and take it.

What happened was simple. If you know someone's username here, you can google the username and add 'experienceproject' to it and you'll end up on their profile. From there, you can read everything in their profile without even having an account. And, furthermore, you can read anything they've written on other whiteboards, stories, comments, etc. And that's what happened to me. My private venting chamber was exposed to the very people I was trying to avoid. Sometimes, you need the outlet. Everyone needs it. I read the stories in "I Live In A Sexless Marriage" and I know, I can't make anyone's life better. But it feels so awesome to reach out to someone else who is hurting and say, "yeah, I get you,..I understand." And in the "Married but lonely" group, I feel so connected to their pain. I want to reach out to them and say, "Hey,.. you aren't alone, there are millions of people who feel like you do, and we need to stand up together and feel less lonely."

I want to be able to complain about my life and not have some self-aggrandizing person throw my own feelings back in my face. I want to have my feelings validated. I want to BE validated. And yet, now I feel naked and exposed. Why? The point of EP is the opposite of stupid Facebook and MySpace. Its about being the real you, and having connections based on who you are without all the crap. We're supposed to be able to get naked here, and just let all out cellulite and funky bits hang out. We're supposed to be getting honest and discussing things we'd normally hide. And we're supposed to connect with people based on experiences, commonality and shared intellect. It's the exact opposite of those crappy social networking sites where you connect with people you already know and don't like. Or worse, your relatives. Or even still worse, having all your worlds smash together in a horrible kaleidoscope of family and friends cross-pollinating horrible stories about you to each other.

Here on EP, we don't have to deal with that. For all I know, the people I chat with, could be my next door neighbor. Or, the neighbor from my childhood. For all I know, I have relatives in my own fucking circle right now. The point is, we all get to shake it loose and speak freely, or, well, we're supposed to.

I've been gone for a while. And I've changed usernames. I was giving thought to deleting my profile altogether, since, my privacy has been violated and abused. My stories and comments have been ripped apart and criticized. What point was there in staying? While I've been writing this, it occured to me: I always do what other people want me to do. WTF!??!!??!?!! Why do *I* never get to just vent? Why do *I* always do the nice-girl thing, give everyone what they want? Not gonna happen. I already had my blog deleted once by a well-meaning friend. I've already deleted some stories, deleted some comments. Why? Not gonna happen. You want to get pissed off? You want to read my shit and get your knickers twisted? Fine by me. Guess what? This space IS my space. If you invade my privacy, and read my posts, you get what you get. My circle of friends and fans get me, they get "it" and they know I'm usually foul-mouthed, and typically say whatever comes to mind regardless of how inappropriate it might be. This anonymous space was meant to be my sanctum-sanctorium and those that I included inside my safe-haven are individuals I might never meet, might never know beyond these 'walls'. But they are here on MY invitation and because I get them too. I have made some awesome connections here and I'm not going to walk away. I truly appreciate and love my circle of friends. Though I don't know them irl, they are great people stripped away from their jobs, their identities, their shackles. We all are. We're different than that which we are perceived to be by others. We are rich, vibrant and free. We're reaching out, to each other, to ourselves.

We, here at EP, have every right to say all the things we hide inside, freely and openly to each other. If you're going to read my blog, answers, my stories or comments, you get what you get. I'm here, raw, and rough. I'm here, crude and saying whatever comes to mind. I'm expressing thoughts that are sometimes ugly, sometimes painful, and sometimes laced with venom. Sometimes, I embellish, wish I didn't but it's true. If you read my shit, you get what you get,.. and if you get angry, perhaps you shouldn't read my stuff.