Experience Project 17

Anger Management
7 July 2010
It has been brought to my attention that I have some anger issues. Well, to that I will say, "you have no fucking idea!!!" Anger Management was once called "Behavioral Modification Therapy." Go ahead, ask me how I know that...

I'm certain it is funny as hell to see a five foot tall, petite framed woman go all ape-shit. Although, some have told me that I'm absolutely frightening. I have, in the past, been known to throw things (have owned about a hundred phones), hit the heavy bag with bare knuckles and split the skin, have threatened more than a few would-be paramours to my sister within an inch of their lives, have scrapped a time or two (well, more than that actually), and more than a few doors have met their demise as I passed through. What can I say? The energy has to go somewhere, better OUT than IN.

During heated arguments, I have often had to express my temper, and have been told that I look insane and out of control. Ironically, it's those moments when I am executing exacting control. Temper is a really funny aspect of humanity. If you've ever seen the movie, "Anger Management" Jack Nicholson's character talks about explosive temper and implosive temper. Most of my childhood I had implosive temper. And, in my adult life, as an eternal "nice girl" I deal with that same implosion. Things truly anger me, frustrate me, and I must keep all those negative feelings at bay. In my personal life, I've learned to let that anger have voice and freedom, a bit. So, to those people, they'll see me throw things, punch the heavy bag, skip rope at mach speed: explosive expression of anger. The thing is, if you have NOT spent time in anger management therapy, you would have no clue that this sort of expression is actually healthy.

Let me elaborate a bit. First of all, if you think you've never felt the same kind of wrath that could prompt a person to punch a heavy bag bare-knuckled as hard as they possibly could, then I would call you a liar. Anger is anger, and everyone feels it. If you don't recognize when you're angry, or how angry you are, then you might be one of those implosive people, just waiting for the catalyst that sends you atop the bell tower. All humans feel anger, and just because someone is genteel and congenial, doesn't mean they are in control of their temper. In fact, if you have close contacts whom you have NEVER seen angry, be afraid, be very afraid.

During my time with anger management, I've learned that it is critical to let the energy out. Since I have kids, and a lot of them, I can't just tear up the place like a polar bear. I can not hit people, or scream or look psychotic. That's where the heavy bag, jump rope and the incredibly loud music come in. Those outlets let the majority of the rage out, without me doing damage elsewhere. And, through my blog and my stories, I'm able to let the rage that I experience in my professional life go. It may LOOK insane and out of control, but the exact opposite is true. I am doing exactly what I've trained myself to do, so that I never do the things I did when I was younger.

For example, once, when I was in musical theater, I had a director who was a real asshat. He threw a script at me, once, and the plastic cover sliced open my ankle, about a three inch long slice. I don't really remember anything after looking down at my ankle and seeing the blood pooling. What happened, as revealed to me later on, was that I jumped off the stage and proceeded to chase this incredibly fat man for two blocks until he fell down with a heart attack. I pounced on him and proceeded to ground-and-pound him until the police pulled my thrashing body off of him. I was "detained" and didn't really come back to normal until after I was in a holding cell. In the end, he dropped charges because I was a minor and he had assaulted me first, which was a felony while mine was only a misdemeanor as I didn't know he was having a heart attack. I didn't snap like that just because he cut my ankle. It had been years of dealing with this man, and watching him do shady things: stealing money from the drama department; groping the other girls; giving parts to the sexy girls who couldn't sing, dance or act; yelling and screaming; constantly changing choreography and acting like we were the screwups; calling people shitty names; calling ME 'shortshit'; and a whole host of other things that slowly ate away at my sanity. Yes, I snapped. But it wasn't like there wasn't a reason.

Another event happened when I was about 16. My sister was out on a date, and I was asked to go check up on her. I headed to the pier where they were and stood some distance away. I wanted to make sure they couldn't see me, cause I knew how embarrassing it would be. So, I watched for a bit, things seemed normal, so I started walking back to my car. My sis is older than me by about 2 years. As I neared the end of the pier, I heard her scream. I ran back toward them and he had the strap to her purse wrapped around her arms and she was bent over the bench they had been sitting on. I ran faster than I should have been able to run, but in the flight, I blacked out. What happened next was this,.. apparently, as I approached, I punched him, kicked his shocked ass sideways, and then dragged him to the edge of the pier, hoisted him up and tossed him off the pier into the water. Then I got arrested. It's funny now. Because I stopped him from getting what he wanted. But, he was over 18 and my sis was not. So, he also dropped the charges but I was given another round of BMT, also known as Anger Management.

In the end, I have been through anger management about six times now. Eventually, the material does seep into even the thickest of skulls. So when I rant and rave and look like a lunatic, be calm and peaceful, because you are in NO danger. I'm actually really good at letting go of the anger, without permanently damaging anything, or anyone. Well, NOW I am. People who live with volatile temper aren't necessarily out of control, or psychotic. And people who are always calm and peaceful and never express negative feelings are not necessarily healthy, calm or sane at all. Anger is nothing more than your body and soul telling your mind that something is truly fucked up and must be addressed immediately. People who ignore or repress that, are at some point in the future, going to express all of it in one final moment of stupidity. I'm just spreading my stupidity out.......