From EP -- Movie Reviews

There are several reviews wrapped up here, so I'm sorry it's long but it's worth the read!!! LMAO just kidding... no really.

A-Team; Sort Of…
10 July 2010
Do not go see this movie if you think you're going to reminisce over your youth. However, if you, like me, can forget all about the television series, you'll do alright.This movie was great. I loved it. NOT the old A-Team, so don't go poking around. About the only link to the old series that even remotely reminded me of that show was the liberal playing of the theme song at varying tempos throughout the movie. I have to say that Liam Neeson is one of my favorite actors of all time. He kicked monumental ass in Batman Begins. And he floored me in Love Actually (chick flick,.. the only one I haven't wanted to walk out of). Awesome guy, really well played. And, I have to say that Rampage shocked me. I actually believed that BA had taken the path on non-violence and his MMA moves on the bad guy were epic. [EDITED THIS PART BECAUSE I WAS INCORRECT HERE, RAMPAGE IS NOT A BODY GUARD FOR ANY SLEEZY MOVIE COMPANIES,... I CONFUSED HIM WITH KIMBO SLICE,.. I KNOW *SHAKES HEAD SADLY* I'M A JACKASS]. And what can I say about Murdock? Easily my favorite character (we have a lot in common) and I loved the idea of a mid-inversion helicopter stall, even though the physics is all wrong and that it is actually IMPOSSIBLE on every level to do that stunt,.. still, it was just insane enough and epic enough to work for the film. And, explain to me why a heli pilot knows a damned thing about piloting a C-130??? ...or a tank for that matter?? But, that's the kind of movie I LOVE. It doesn't have to make sense if it’s good. Hell, someone just might figure out HOW to make that helicopter stunt work in real life!!! So, go see this movie, cause I wanna know how they work out a sequel!!!

Eclipse – Let The Pathos Begin
10 July 2010
Ok, so, my continued devotion to this movie series limps forward. I'm wondering if I have made an error somewhere regarding my commitment to seeing all the movies. Oh, and BTW,... I apologize in advance, for all the typos I won't be correcting as I am on a very short break and trying to stuff my face while I update my profile and stories.

Last night I took the kiddos to the drive-in (more on THAT in another story). What can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said in the previous movies? Not much. Except that the wolf-phasing mid-air and the fight scenes were super bad ass and almost worth the money. Oh, and, Taylor Lautner soaking wet wasn't a bad sight either!!! OMG,.. still feel like a fricken pedophile checking that BOY out, but, well, those thirty pounds of lean muscle he packed on for this flick were well placed. Kudos to his trainers.And, what can I say about Charlie?? Only that there has never been a more perfect book-to-movie casting EVER!!! He couldn't possibly be a better Charlie!!! What an awesome actor! I'm gonna IMDb him as soon as I have two seconds to spare. Alright, honestly, someone else needs to do that and just leave me the link!!! No time for movie trivia.

The rest of the cast. Well, Kristen Stewart's stuttering portrayal of the innocent and wall-flower-of-a-girl Bella is and was as usual, passable. Barely. And Robert Pattinson,.. how do you find the words? Even when trying to portray absolute joy and rapture, he still managed to look constipated. Not sure how those two emotions marry up, but there you have my biggest issue with the whole damned series (get it,... vampires,... 'damned'.....ok, enough). When you take a book, and go to screen, it doesn't always translate well. AND, when you have actors suffering from the degree of hubris that these kids apparently do, well, you end up with a movie where all the people are basically playing themselves with a few spins on who they think the characters 'really are.'

Now I only have one more left to endure, and most of it is gonna be newlywed passion and birthing. Holy Crap,.. I didn't think about that!!! I guess the worst is yet to come!!!

Toy Story 3 – Holy Crap!
5 July 2010
Ok, took my kiddos to see this flick. For starters,.. Oh My God!!! Can Pixar make a flick that DOESN'T make my soul weep??? The first movie was tough with the kid missing his favorite toys and all. But, the animation was so breathtaking you didn't really feel overwhelmed with grief or loss. The second movie was so hosed,... I closed my eyes through that flick. It was so f-ing sad and depressing. Holy hellhounds of Antioch!!! I couldn't quite breathe I was so verklempt. Oy vey!!! Depressing

Toy Story 3 was a lot like BEACHES. You know what's gonna happen in the end, it just sucks right up to that point. THEN, when he gives his precious friends to the little girl, you're like "OMG WTF!!!!" and "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" You watch the little toys gaze wistfully as Andy drives away forever. Holy Crap, I cried my eyes out. Then of course, all of us old crones just sat there crestfallen, remembering loved toys long lost. It was a painful reverie,.. especially for those of us who had shitty childhoods.

But, for all her flaws, my sister does rock from time to time!!! I don't have to cry over lost toys that are never to be found. I only had one toy growing up. Yes, my childhood sucked ass. Probably, it's why I work my ass off to give my kids all the things I didn't have, starting with a MOM. Well, my only toy growing up was a gift that I was given by a woman who had tried to adopt me when I was 2. She gave me a Mrs. Beasley doll. Just like the one from A Family Affair, from the seventies. Well, that doll is long gone,.. her glasses got eaten, by me. Her dress was used as a cape at one point. Her hair was set on fire at one point. Her string to her talking box was yanked out during a fist fight with my brother. And, she was funky and stained by the time she met her doom. I was always really sad at the loss.

And then, for my 35th birthday, my sister pulled off a magic trick. I opened my birthday present, and to my shock and surprise, was a brand new Mrs. Beasley doll, in mint condition, original packaging. The fucking doll must have cost a fortune. But, we grew up poor and in a truly fucked up environment. We never had anything. My doll was played with, aggressively and every single day. The wear and tear she suffered was from being my ONLY toy. And now, I have her back.

Getting back to the uber-painful Toy Story 3,.. we all have things from our youth we'd have liked to hang onto: looks, hair, scar-less bodies, perky breasts, thin waist, flawless skin... And since we can't hang onto those things in any tangible way, our youth is represented in our toys. Memories held in freeze frame, forever remembering that we were once young, naive, fresh and excited about the world of opportunity opened wide. That's what our toys represent for us, and their loss is marked so profoundly by the loss of all that was once our younger selves. It's what the movies represent,... the painful side of the cycle of life. Our time in the sun with our treasures is over and we march off into the autumn of our lives missing things.

SCREW YOU Toy Story!!! I'm taking my doll, and I'm going home.

Better Off Dead
19 May 2010
For those of you who were alive and sentient in the 80s, then you remember the Brat Pack, and all those films they made. Yeah, sure, I went and saw most of them. In particular, The Breakfast Club was prophetic, as my stoic parents sat there beside me, attempting to have a bonding moment with me, and my obnoxious teen-age arrogant self wondered if they understood the clever subtext. While those movies were, well, what they were...one movie from the 80s truly stands out in my mind as a defining moment for me.

My best friend, Molly and I were supposed to be studying at the library. Everything where we lived was walking distance. She and I did a lot of walking. So, there we were, and I didn't want to study. I certainly didn't want to study Italian Rennaissance Poetry. After much whining and complaining on my part, Molly said, "well, what DO you want to do?" I considered the options, and I had some money in my pocket. "Hey," I said, struck with lightning, "let's go see a movie!" She stared at me for a long time, before closing her books and putting them into her bag. I couldn't believe it, she wasn't usually convinced so easily to go along with one of my ideas.

So, we walked down to this one strip mall that had a tiny little theater. I had a good bundle of money, so I knew I could pay for us both to get in and get popcorn and soda. Well, then the theater had a sign that said if you were a student with ID, you got in for one dollar. Yeah, try finding THAT in a theater today. So, I bought us the tickets, soda, popcorn, hot dogs, and all the candy and junk food you'd need to get good and sick. I almost didn't care what we saw. Then, the movie started. We both laughed so hard and ate so much junk, I think we were both sick to our stomachs for a week! But the flick was so great. I've tried to find it on DVD, but haven't tried very hard since I'm sure its out there. If you get a chance to see it, try to think back to life in the 80s.

I mean, other than when I failed her, my mother barely registered that I was a sentient being. Outside that, I was pretty much an island. I think more and more kids today feel like that: islands, distant, remote and uncharted. This movie didn't resonate as well with my teens, they found it boring. But, when life was simpler, there was no internet, most houses didn't have a computer, let alone three, and most houses didn't have cable. The movies didn't cost a fortune, dating actually meant going places together by yourselves (and not with your parent who had to drive you), and the worst thing that happened at high school was getting your period during class, or having someone spread rumors about you. Its a sweet movie, about a different time.

Miss-Billing In The Trailers
21 April 2010
When I think of miss-billing, My Blue Heaven comes to mind. If you don't know what "miss-billing" is, it is when the trailer shows clips that make the movie seem like it's one genre, when it really isn't at all. In the case of My Blue Heaven, it was originally billed as this great comedy, and yet, all the really funny parts were IN the trailer. This happens a lot and it really frustrates me.

The most recent incidence of this is Kickass. It is billed as an action/comedy. It is not. Do not take your kids to see this movie. It is actually really dark and has some really seedy aspects to it. While the movie itself isn't bad, it certainly is NOT comedic, though there are a few funny parts. I just never want to explain to my younger kids why the ten year old girl with purple hair is getting beat nearly to death by the fully grown man.

You just end up having to see the movies, and take your chances from time to time. This goes along with the critics as well. Many movies that I love were panned by critics. Usually, their commentary includes words like "sophomoric" and "trite." But, I like silliness and potty humor is always funny, not matter who you are.

Not All Movies Are Good
28 March 2010
...but sometimes, there's enough worthwhile parts to make a bad movie worth seeing.
I've seen some really SH!TTY movies in my day. But usually, even in a truly terrible movie, there is some redeeming quality that makes the whole suckfest palatable. Honestly, there have been a few that were so terrible, that nothing could redeem them (reminiscing I can recall Angel Eyes and Dungeons and Dragons). There are also those silent surprises, the ones where I had no idea the movie existed, but found myself at the theatre at odd times with few choices, and happened to see a fantastic movie I would not have seen otherwise. On that list (and deserving of reference OUTSIDE parenthesis) are: Spirited Away, Love Actually (uber-chick flick, but still great) and Eternal Sunshine (has a much longer title, but I can't remember the whole thing -- Jim Carrey).

I will admit, that I read the Twilight series and fell in love. In my defense, I am NOT one of those rabid Twi-Moms. What happened was this, I had just had a baby via c-section, it was pretty traumatic (surgery sucks) and the day I arrived home from the hospital, I found myself alone with a newborn, a toddler and a six-inch smiley-face incision. None of the people I had arranged to help were able to help which left me totally f*cked and completely alone. I got pretty depressed, with Post-Partum Depression. My then-husband's reaction to my plight: he told me to "suck it up, because the family needs you right now." This baby was number 8, and so I had a lot on my plate, yet couldn't really move without mind-searing pain and I couldn't take the pain meds because I had to be alert enough to take care of the babies. A friend loaned me the series, and I sat on my shrinking @ss, nursed my baby, and read, read, read. Diving into a good series, a simple series that was easy to read (non-cerebral and flake-friendly), just made life suck less. And, by the time I was finished reading the series, the PPD had vanished, and I was not in pain any more and life was an enjoyable existence.

So, out of deference to the author, Stephenie Meyer, I committed to watching the movies -- because I was so helped by her story that I felt honor-bound to watch the movies. I wasn't surprised to see Kristen Stewart in the line-up. Her looks were and are a dead ringer to Bella. Robert Pattinson is NOT a comfortable match for Edward, but, as I was not consulted, whatever. I loved Shark Boy as Jacob and I thought that the actor chosen to play Charlie was as perfect a match as could be found. Twilight, in short, sucked. Sorry Twi-rabid-fans, but the movie sucked butt. Why does Edward's character skittle up trees like a spider monkey??? Why couldn't they simply do the "forest of Endor" bit, like they did in Star Wars VI twenty years ago? I mean, he RUNS fast. There isn't anything remotely hinting at climbing trees with the finger-nails. Its not only ridiculous, and silly, but it does NOT translate well onto the big screen. I laughed my @ss off in the theatre watching those scenes (pissing off every tween within earshot). And what's with Edward's perpetual constipation??? I wouldn't think a purely liquid diet would wreek that kind of havoc on the digestive tract. But there he is, scene after painfully constricted scene, looking like he needs a pessary.

It was with deep chagrin that I purchased the New Moon movie. I didn't go see it at the theatre. I would have preferred to see it at the theatre, but I just never found the time (8 kids, divorce, you get it). So, I LOVED LOVED LOVED Taylor Lautner. Shark boy did good. He is gorgeous and my oh my has he grown into one impeccable specimen. Holy Sh!t Batman, that boy is beautiful. Of course, at my middle-age, I feel like a pedophile. Perhaps this is what Hugh Hefner feels like. But, I digress.

Edward still seemed (though we see less of him) constipated. Kristen Stewart IS NOT a good match for Bella, she brings a pissy quality to the character that wasn't needed or wanted. I end up wanting to smack her. The phasing scenes were awesome, and I was seriously worried here because of the misstep of the "skittling up the trees" bit from the first flick. Still, there were significant pieces that were,...silly. But, it was better than the first. Hopefully, but the next movie, these actors will settle into the characters more, and stop trying to put their personal spin on it. The characters were well written and fully developed on their own. So, its been a bit tough watching Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson playing basically themselves with undertones of the characters. If you've seen Speak, with Kristen Stewart, than you've seen her portrayal of Bella. If you've seen Robert in ANYTHING since Harry Potter IV, then you've seen him portray his version of Edward. This is why avid book readers go ballistic when their passion comes to life on the silver screen: an actor, suffering from a self-aggrandizing ego who sees a new spin for the character. It isn't just about adding things that are unnecessary, or removing pivotal plot points; its about telling the tale of the characters. This requires that the character be portrayed as written. Sure, take artistic license and change up the look a LITTLE. Or maybe, the dialog needs to be altered here or there. But to change the essence of the character, well, that changes how that character would respond, react. And that makes the story get choppy and disjointed. It stops making sense. The cohesiveness is broken and you can't just shove the broken bits together to make the movie. That's why it feels like most of Twilight got left on the editing room floor. New Moon has the same dilemma, although not as bad.

I hope that Eclipse and Breaking Dawn are better. Even if they are not, I will still go see the movies, and watch the actors try to breathe life into the characters; my friends who walked me through a dark spot in my life, and helped me see the sunshine again.