Experience Project 09

Passion and Bread
15 June 2010
One of my many absolute passions in life is making bread. Yes, I do mean home-made bread from scratch. Watch out milfs,... going to talk about ACTUAL home-making here. This is not for the feint-of-heart milfs with the bullshit facade that shatters when you look closely. This is real wife stuff, for real women.

There is something incredibly sensual and womanly about making bread. Of course, men can do it too. Just watch Michael Chiarello on Food Network (or whichever network he went to), that man is sexy and when he cooks, you wish you were in the kitchen with him. That's the thing about ACTUALLY making food. It's a labor of love. And you feed your family. It's intimate: eating food, feeding your family food you made. You're saying, "here, my family, I love you, I made you this food to nourish your body, and filled it with love to nourish your soul, be fed and be well, nourished with my love." That is precisely why it sucks to throw fast food at them while you're running out the door (which I have to do from time to time so I'm not judging).

But, the ultimate in food prep is making home-made bread. The ingredients are often so simple; water, flour and yeast. I can't tell you how many of my women friends say that they don't know how to cook. Even if you aren't married, or dating, don't you like to eat??? Beyond that, whenever I bring in home-made bread, I end up with fans following me around for a bit, begging me to know what magic voodoo I created in my kitchen. Bread-making is an art, and everyone should give it a hand. It's sexy and feels good to kneed the dough. And, there's not a damned thing wrong with getting a bit dirty.

Here's a recipe that is super easy and a great first timer. My recommendation is that you include your spouse, partner, lover, significant other. No, they aren't going to help you make the bread. But, if you will just put on some light and airy clothes, grab an apron and work this recipe, you just might find something sexy going on. Oh, and don't forget the wine... I recommend Riesling, always, it's a great first wine for those who "don't like wine." When you eat the bread, and sip the wine, you'll see what everyone means by "pairing" wine to the food. Like a great Scotch and a Cohiba,.. the pairing is delicious and sensual and makes life worth living.

1 cup of water (hot,..as in around 120 degrees Farenheit, don't have a thermometer? S'ok, it should be hot enough that you don't want to keep your finger in it, but not so hot that you're burned by the steam).

1/4 cup olive oil
2 cloves garlic minced (use that masher thingy, saves time and fingertips)
pinch of salt
1 package active dry yeast

Stir all those ingredients in a large mixing bowl with a wooden spoon (yes, it matters, if you don't have a wooden spoon, use your hands). If you use glass or metal, please warm it first by putting it under the hot tap for a minute or two. Then dry and resume. The yeast will start activating and get a bit foamy. Keep stirring for about 3-5 minutes. You should smell the yeast, it should smell like bread-ish.

Add one cup of flour and stir until well combined. Should be quite thick, and, by now, the smell of bread being made will have permeated the kitchen. Have a sip of wine!

Pour a cup of flour onto the countertop. Add two cups of the flour to the bowl and try to work in as much as you can. The dough will look horribly, and you'll be certain you got it wrong. You didn't, just turn the dough and clumps out onto the flour on the countertop (yep, it had better be cleaned already!!!).

Now, using both hands, gather up all the clumps of dough and pile them on top of the mass of dough. Smash it all down until you have a flat, large mound. Fold the mound in half. Slide your fingers under the mound and make sure nothing has stuck to the counter. Use flour as you rub any wet spots to release. Smash the dough down some more, until its flat again, and fold in half again. Keep checking under the dough. Now, for the kneeding.

This is where the true sexy begins. On a chemical level, you need to work in enough flour to make all the droplets of water and oil combine, and you need to work in enough air to feed the yeast while they work their magic. See, the yeast are eating the sugars in the mixture, and expelling gas in the process, but they need oxygen too. All of that makes your bread light and puffy and so yummy. Never kneeded dough before? It's ok, I was scared at first too. But, just think 'sexy' and you'll do fine. You don't want to be harsh or rough,..not the right time. You want to be smooth and soft, sensual but firm. So, using the heels of your hands, push your mass of dough like you're going to smash it across the counter. Then with your fingertips, gather it all back into a sort of ball. Then smash with the heels of your hands again. As you do this, you'll need to rotate the dough as well. Just let it spin a little in the ball shape before you smash forward.

Now I've heard some funny things about kneeding the dough. "Make love to the dough." That one cracks me up. No, don't do that. You'll lose track of the time. It is possible to over work the dough. Don't panic, just keep an eye on your clock when you start. You want to kneed the dough about 3-5 minutes keeping a nice steady rhythm. When you've reached that, just let the dough rest where it is.

Now, hopefully by now, you have two nice floured handprints on your bum... it's critical to good bread-making!!! ;)

Wash the bowl you used to mix initially. Wash it thoroughly, and then dry. Using a bit of oil, olive oil works best, put a bit inside the bowl (about a tablespoon worth, go ahead and eyeball it) and rub it all over the bowl with a piece of paper towel, or your fingers (feel sexy now???).

Ok, go grab your dough ball. Make sure you've rolled it into a nice tight roll. Some folks do fancy things here, for a first timer,...don't sweat it. You can watch Alton Brown work his magic later on. For now, just put the dough ball in the bowl and spin it to coat the whole ball evenly. Drape a clean kitchen towel over the bowl and leave on the counter.

The dough needs to double in size. Yes, I actually mean DOUBLE. So, gauging by the size when you put it in there, it needs to grow TWICE as big. That'll take about an hour. Guess what else takes about an hour? See?? Making bread IS sexy.

After the hour (or so) lift the towel away. If there are dry spots, rub them with more oil. Then punch the dough down (no, your not being abusive, you're just letting out excess air). Let it rest there while you do the following:

Turn the oven to 425 degrees Farenheit. Remember if you're using a stone that it needs to go in cold and preheat with the over. Otherwise, grab your cookie sheet, or pie sheet or pizza sheet and rub oil all over it.

Now, grab the bowl of dough and turn the dough onto the sheet.With your oiled fingertips, press the dough down flat and fill up the pan. It's ok if it looks weird or shaped funny. Just try to stretch it flatter. Should eventually look like the beginning of a deep dish pizza (and yes, you can use this dough recipe for pizza dough). Great! Now, into the screaming hot oven it goes. Set the timer for 10 minutes, but remember, that's not how long it will take, the timer is just to make sure you don't forget about it. At over four hundred degrees, food goes from perfect, to screwed in less than a minute, so hover near your stove cause you'll need to check it often!!!

When you can tap the top and it feels and sounds hollow inside, you're good to go. Here's what I do next, but you should try things and see what you like:

I butter the whole top of it and sprinkle parmesan cheese all over then toss it back into the oven for about 4 more minutes. MMMMMMMM

Let it sit for about 8-10 minutes before you try to cut. I use a pizza cutter to cut mine, but a knife works too. Cut into strips and grab your marinara sauce, or not... Perhaps you have some balsamic vinegar and premium olive oil? Whatever, even just plain. Enjoy that with the wine, and see if perhaps you'll fall in love with bread-making too!!!