an uninvited guest
a pest
not welcomed not embraced
no place
not among the peers
they fear
the simple one is different
different is bad
the pain of tomorrow
full of sorrow
overwhelming anger
there is strength in solitude
stronger for the fight
stronger for freedom
to live or die
to fight or run away
alone
can leave or stay
the night must come
bringing the cold
the darkness
crashing and falling inside
uninvited and unwelcome
pounding and pounding
which one will win
pain or anger
wrath or sorrow
strong yet weak
weak yet defiant
nothing ever wins
the battle never ends
just pounding
crashing
falling
dying
living dead
31 December 1999
Friday, September 10, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Jesus Christ... and all His kin...
When I was a kid, I remember exactly what would have happened had I said "Jesus Christ" in front of any of my Catholic and/or uber-Christian relatives. I would have been flogged, stoned and summarily put to death. Seriously, I would have gotten the shit kicked out of me, and that would have been their departure point. Suffice it to say, I learned at an early age that there were things that one ought not to say out loud or in mixed company.
As the years have passed the English language has undergone a metamorphosis. Of course, language is alive and ever changing. Language is practically sentient and it definitely evolves. I get that. I'm with it. I remember when the common response to hearing something unbelievable was "as if." As if that were sufficient to express one's disbelief. Well, it was. We like our language to be concise, direct, and without confusion. Sort of.
When I consider the sorts of things we weren't allowed to say as children, I really believe that it was more about respecting your elders, and each other. It was about common courtesy and being kind and compassionate. We all were not those things, and none of us were those things all the time. And so, there were rules to govern our discipline when we stepped a toe out of line. The things we could not say weren't just offensive. My aunts actually believed that saying, "Jesus Christ" was blasphemy and would earn my skinny ass a one-way ticket to hell for all eternity. They weren't so fragile as to be unable to tolerate my words; they were concerned for my mortal soul. We laugh at that now. But back then, you were headed straight to hell if you had sex before marriage. Now, not so much. Did God change? Or did we change our perspective on incredibly subjective dogmatic ideals?
My time spent in the service was marked by the Tailhook incident. For the nubes in the room,.. Tailhook was the sexual harassment suit of the millennium. Basically, a woman (sailor) went to what she believed was a party to which she'd been invited. The party was not meant for any woman to attend; unless that woman hoped to be groped, fondled, stripped, and engage in debauched behavior with multiple horny pilots. Yes, there were 'hired' helpers. But, the woman wasn't really welcome and the invite was nothing more than a prank, intended to trap her in a compromised situation. She was groped, manhandled and practically raped (thought I'm not entirely sure that she was not). She reported the incident to her superior officer, which was the correct protocol to follow. Her commanding officer did nothing, except to tell her she ought not to have attended the party. Her story went to press, she sued their asses off, and the entire United States military got to stand down and attend a sexual harassment seminar. Sound like fun? It was not. In a coincidental twist, right before the stand down training, I was assaulted by my entire company. Want to know why? Because I was promoted. Hazing is real. But that's a different story for another time. What my point in adding this bit to this blog entry is this: we were not allowed to speak of many, many different things that might offend someone. While I don't condone hazing, assault, or any other unwanted physical attention; holy crap! Are we, in the effort to prevent bad behavior, going to prevent all behavior??? Seems like we threw out the baby with the bath water.
Fast forward to today. Not 'today' but I mean current time. My kids were in an assembly not too long ago, where they were asked to sign a contract promising to not say or use the word 'retarded.' Now, first, I think this is bullshit. You can't stick my kid in an assembly, interrupting the education curriculum, to talk about using a singular word. For real??? I think they'll learn a lot more by actually staying in class than wasting what little time they have in front of the teacher, hearing about how shameful and naughty it is to use the word 'retarded.' I think the assembly was retarded!!! For the record; I have never, never used the word in conjunction with a person who was physically or mentally handicapped. In fact, I never use any diagnostic words when I'm referring to a person who is challenged in any way. I refer to them by name, or based on their relation to another person (as in, Ted's kid, etc). But if something is stupid, or undeveloped, or delayed, I say it's retarded because that is what the word means.
Here, this is my proof:
re·tard
/rɪˈtɑrd, for 1–3, 5; ˈritɑrd for 4/ [ri-tahrd, for 1–3, 5; ree-tahrd for 4]–verb (used with object)
1. to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.
–verb (used without object)
2. to be delayed.
–noun
3. a slowing down, diminution, or hindrance, as in a machine.
4. Slang: Disparaging .
a. a mentally retarded person.
b. a person who is stupid, obtuse, or ineffective in some way: a hopeless social retard.
5. Automotive, Machinery . an adjustment made in the setting of the distributor of an internal-combustion engine so that the spark for ignition in each cylinder is generated later in the cycle.
— adj
ESN mental handicap See also subnormal underdeveloped, esp mentally and esp having an IQ of 70 to 85
And there was another slang definition which was a modified definition (happens when words take on new meanings and uses) which was "bad or defective as in "this old DVD player is retarded. Time for a new one."
Citation http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/retarded
So you see, my kid's school illegally pressured these kids, under duress (because they were asked to sign the paper collectively in front of the entire assembly) to illegally sign a document (no one under the age of 18 can legally enter into any contractual obligation with anyone else) that couldn't possibly serve any useful purpose except to persecute those who openly refused to sign (like my daughter). All for what??? To promise not to offend mentally or physically challenged people? Or are we so fragile, we don't like to be reminded of other's handicaps? Or are we so struggling with the Darwin theory that we hope everyone is gifted with all the same gifts and strengths and no one has any weaknesses? Or have we gotten so gluttonously lazy that we want everyone to have equal outcome without expending equal effort? All of this sounds like a pile of bullshit! One word. Focus all your attention on one word, and you're going to miss the meaning of the sentence. You're going to miss the heart of the book. Focus on one word, and what's the point of talking at all?
While we're on the topic of singular words that blow every one's skirts up... Let's talk about 'gay.' Now, I remember when people were just starting to use the word to mean 'homosexual.' I had no idea what they meant at first. But, as I grew, and learned about homosexuality and exactly what it was that two women did together, and what two men did together; I came to understand what 'gay' meant, from that perspective. Later in life, 'gay' took on a new meaning. But so did other words. For instance, when my then 16 year old sister came home with a bunch of new clothes (in 1985), she said that she "just bought a bunch of killer new clothes." Now, she did not mean that she bought clothes a 'killer' would wear; or that she planned on 'killing' anyone wearing the clothes. Of course she only meant that they were stylish and hip. DUH. But no one latched onto that little gem. Not sure why,.. I mean, the families of murder victims could certainly complain that such use of the term was inconsiderate and disrespectful to their loss. But so far, that hasn't happened.
And when I arrived in New England, I was treated to a new term: wicked. I will recant the tale of my then 13 year old relative as she told me about a dance she went to... "it was sooooo wicked!!" Now, I was certain that she meant the dance was thoroughly enjoyable, and perhaps even gleaned that she'd had a great time. Not once did I consider that the students at the dance might have been participating in black magic rituals, or satanic rites. Not even for a second did I consider that the evil host of hell had risen to attend a high school dance. I think many parents would have had their knickers in a twist if it had been "evil, or morally bad in principle or practice."
So, I return again to the word 'gay.' What is the fucking deal? Why am I accosted with stupid commercials about "watch what you say" and "do you think before you speak?" Yes, I do think before I speak. And, as a veteran of the United States, free citizen of this amazing country, I have the freedom to say whatever the flying freaking monkeys I want to say. I volunteered to fight for my country and defend all our rights. I threw live hand grenades for crying out loud. I sneezed snot and phlegm from my nose, and mouth, with tears streaming from my eyes in the gas chamber. Damn it, don't I get to say whatever I want to say? Especially when all I'm really saying is that something, or someone is acting in an unintelligent manner? And what of the gay community? Are they really offended by this practice? I mean, to be gay does not mean one is inherently stupid or unnecessary. Being gay just means you're either happy, gleeful, or you like to have sex with people who have the same sex organs as you do. But, when I say, "Oh my God. That is gay!" I am not saying that the gay community has any relevance to what I am dealing with. Not related. Not linked. No offense was meant. None should have been taken. Of my gay friends, and there are MANY,.. they are all tough, intelligent, sarcastic, really well-spoken and outspoken people. They don't linger about, lamenting the misuse of the term. Neither should anyone else. And the fact that tax dollars were spent to make dumb-ass commercials vilifying the use of a stupid singular word is appalling.
My very favorite word is 'fuck.' Why? Because, it is a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, everything. It is a complete sentence, all by itself. And it is a multi-tasker. People get offended by the f-bomb. Can't really say why either. Like Whoppi Goldberg says, "fuck isn't nearly as offensive as some words: stupid, worthless, dumb." I agree with her. I don't agree with her politics, but I don't have to. The basic sentiment is this: words shouldn't offend you. Actions should. Just because I say 'fuck' shouldn't offend you, though if you choose to get offended, that is your right. However, your rights end where they abut everyone else's rights.
That is really the crux of it: YOUR RIGHTS END WHERE THEY ABUT THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS!!!! With all the money spent on therapy and counselling services, and all the effort applied to self-help crap; how can we all be so fucking (yes, I dropped it) pretentious and uptight about WORDS!!!!! I get it,.. words hurt. People can cut you straight through your soul with the words they say, and they might even do it on purpose. Jesus H. Christ Almighty!!! Are you kidding me??? "That which does not destroy me, only makes me stronger!!!" Start out by surviving WORDS!!!
If you are broken down by some asshat who assaults you with words; reach out to others. Get support. Sure, there are people who use words like weapons, they strike you down, and know that you have nothing. There are also people who have been there, done that, and are ready to support you. Reach out and get supported, get help, and get the hell away from people who use their words to hurt you. But, for crying out loud (or bitching in a blog), don't try to limit freedom of speech! Don't tell me what I can or cant' say because some other person used words to wound. And if I wound you, use YOUR words to express that fact and let me use MY words to make amends. We shouldn't be stopping speech, or limiting it; we need to speak more clearly and stop all this exaggeration and lying.
FREEDOM OF SPEECH,.. I say "use it or lose it" my friends. Any sort of censure is just retarded and gay.
And, for those of you who might be interested in the history of the word 'fuck,' here you go!!!
fuck
–verb (used with object)
1. to have sexual intercourse with.
2. Slang . to treat unfairly or harshly.
–verb (used without object)
3. to have sexual intercourse.
4. Slang . to meddle (usually fol. by around or with ).
–interjection
5. Slang . (used to express anger, disgust, peremptory rejection, etc., often fol. by a pronoun, as you or it. )
–noun
6. an act of sexual intercourse.
7. a partner in sexual intercourse.
8. Slang . a person, esp. one who is annoying or contemptible.
9. the fuck, Slang . (used as an intensifier, esp. with WH-questions, to express annoyance, impatience, etc.) —Verb phrases
10. fuck around, Slang .
a. to behave in a frivolous or meddlesome way.
b. to engage in promiscuous sex.
11. fuck off, Slang .
a. to shirk one's duty; malinger.
b. go away: used as an exclamation of impatience.
c. to waste time.
12. fuck up, Slang .
a. to bungle or botch; ruin.
b. to act stupidly or carelessly; cause trouble; mess up. —Idiom
13. give a fuck, Slang . to care; be concerned.
Origin: 1495–1505; akin to MD fokken to thrust, copulate with, Sw dial. focka to copulate with, strike, push, fock penis —Related forms
fucky, adjective
Dictionary.com Unabridged Based on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2010.
World English Dictionary
fuck (fʌk)
— vb
1. to have sexual intercourse with (someone)
— n
2. an act of sexual intercourse
3. a partner in sexual intercourse, esp one of specified competence or experience
4. not care a fuck , not give a fuck not to care at all
— interj
5. offensive an expression of strong disgust or anger (often in exclamatory phrases such as fuck you! fuck it! etc)
usage
The use and overuse of fuck in the everyday speech of many people has led, to some extent, to a lessening of its impact as an expletive. However, the word still retains its shock value, although it is less now than it was when the critic Kenneth Tynan caused controversy by saying it on British television in 1965
Collins English Dictionary - Complete & Unabridged 10th Edition 2009 © William Collins Sons & Co. Ltd. 1979, 1986 © HarperCollins Publishers 1998, 2000, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2009
Word Origin & History fuck
a difficult word to trace, in part because it was taboo to the editors of the original OED when the "F" volume was compiled, 1893-97. Written form only attested from early 16c. OED 2nd edition cites 1503, in the form fukkit ; earliest appearance of current spelling is 1535 -- "Bischops ... may fuck thair fill and be vnmaryit" [Sir David Lyndesay, "Ane Satyre of the Thrie Estaits" ], but presumably it is a much more ancient word than that, simply one that wasn't likely to be written in the kind of texts that have survived from O.E. and M.E. Buck cites proper name John le Fucker from 1278. The word apparently is hinted at in a scurrilous 15c. poem, titled "Flen flyys," written in bastard L. and M.E. The relevant line reads:
Non sunt in celi quia fuccant uuiuys of heli "They [the monks] are not in heaven because they fuck the wives of Ely." Fuccant is pseudo-Latin, and in the original it is written in cipher. The earliest examples of the word otherwise are from Scottish, which suggests a Scandinavian origin, perhaps from a word akin to Norw. dial. fukka "copulate," or Swedish dial. focka "copulate, strike, push," and fock "penis." Another theory traces it to M.E. fkye, fike "move restlessly, fidget," which also meant "dally, flirt," and probably is from a general North Sea Gmc. word, cf. M.Du. fokken, Ger. ficken "fuck," earlier "make quick movements to and fro, flick," still earlier "itch, scratch;" the vulgar sense attested from 16c. This would parallel in sense the usual M.E. slang term for "have sexual intercourse," swive , from O.E. swifan "to move lightly over, sweep" (see swivel). Chronology and phonology rule out Shipley's attempt to derive it from M.E. firk "to press hard, beat." As a noun, it dates from 1680. French foutre and Italian fottere look like the English word but are unrelated, derived rather from L. futuere , which is perhaps from PIE base *bhau(t)- "knock, strike off," extended via a figurative use "from the sexual application of violent action" [Shipley; cf. the sexual slang use of bang , etc.]. Popular and Internet derivations from acronyms (and the "pluck yew" fable) are merely ingenious trifling. The O.E. word was hæman , from ham "dwelling, home," with a sense of "take home, co-habit." Fuck was outlawed in print in England (by the Obscene Publications Act, 1857) and the U.S. (by the Comstock Act, 1873). The word may have been shunned in print, but it continued in conversation, especially among soldiers during WWI.
"It became so common that an effective way for the soldier to express this emotion was to omit this word. Thus if a sergeant said, 'Get your ----ing rifles!' it was understood as a matter of routine. But if he said 'Get your rifles!' there was an immediate implication of urgency and danger." [John Brophy, "Songs and Slang of the British Soldier: 1914-1918," pub. 1930] The legal barriers broke down in the 20th century, with the "Ulysses" decision (U.S., 1933) and "Lady Chatterley's Lover" (U.S., 1959; U.K., 1960). Johnson excluded the word, and fuck wasn't in a single English language dictionary from 1795 to 1965. "The Penguin Dictionary" broke the taboo in the latter year. Houghton Mifflin followed, in 1969, with "The American Heritage Dictionary," but it also published a "Clean Green" edition without the word, to assure itself access to the lucrative public high school market. The abbreviation F (or eff ) probably began as euphemistic, but by 1943 it was being used as a cuss word, too. In 1948, the publishers of "The Naked and the Dead" persuaded Norman Mailer to use the euphemism fug instead. When Mailer later was introduced to Dorothy Parker, she greeted him with, "So you're the man who can't spell 'fuck' " [The quip sometimes is attributed to Tallulah Bankhead]. Hemingway used muck in "For whom the Bell Tolls" (1940). The major breakthrough in publication was James Jones' "From Here to Eternity" (1950), with 50 fucks (down from 258 in the original manuscript). Egyptian legal agreements from the 23rd Dynasty (749-21 B.C.E.) frequently include the phrase, "If you do not obey this decree, may a donkey copulate with you!" [Reinhold Aman, "Maledicta," Summer 1977]. Fuck-all "nothing" first recorded 1960. Verbal phrase fuck up "to ruin, spoil, destroy" first attested c.1916. A widespread group of Slavic words (cf. Pol. pierdolić ) can mean both "fornicate" and "make a mistake." Fuck off attested from 1929; as a command to depart, by 1944. Flying fuck originally meant "have sex on horseback" and is first attested c.1800 in broadside ballad "New Feats of Horsemanship." For the unkillable urban legend that this word is an acronym of some sort (a fiction traceable on the Internet to 1995 but probably predating that) see here, and also here. Related: Fucked ; fucking . Agent noun fucker attested from 1590s in literal sense; by 1893 as a term of abuse (or admiration).
Online Etymology Dictionary, © 2010 Douglas Harper
Citation: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fuck
As the years have passed the English language has undergone a metamorphosis. Of course, language is alive and ever changing. Language is practically sentient and it definitely evolves. I get that. I'm with it. I remember when the common response to hearing something unbelievable was "as if." As if that were sufficient to express one's disbelief. Well, it was. We like our language to be concise, direct, and without confusion. Sort of.
When I consider the sorts of things we weren't allowed to say as children, I really believe that it was more about respecting your elders, and each other. It was about common courtesy and being kind and compassionate. We all were not those things, and none of us were those things all the time. And so, there were rules to govern our discipline when we stepped a toe out of line. The things we could not say weren't just offensive. My aunts actually believed that saying, "Jesus Christ" was blasphemy and would earn my skinny ass a one-way ticket to hell for all eternity. They weren't so fragile as to be unable to tolerate my words; they were concerned for my mortal soul. We laugh at that now. But back then, you were headed straight to hell if you had sex before marriage. Now, not so much. Did God change? Or did we change our perspective on incredibly subjective dogmatic ideals?
My time spent in the service was marked by the Tailhook incident. For the nubes in the room,.. Tailhook was the sexual harassment suit of the millennium. Basically, a woman (sailor) went to what she believed was a party to which she'd been invited. The party was not meant for any woman to attend; unless that woman hoped to be groped, fondled, stripped, and engage in debauched behavior with multiple horny pilots. Yes, there were 'hired' helpers. But, the woman wasn't really welcome and the invite was nothing more than a prank, intended to trap her in a compromised situation. She was groped, manhandled and practically raped (thought I'm not entirely sure that she was not). She reported the incident to her superior officer, which was the correct protocol to follow. Her commanding officer did nothing, except to tell her she ought not to have attended the party. Her story went to press, she sued their asses off, and the entire United States military got to stand down and attend a sexual harassment seminar. Sound like fun? It was not. In a coincidental twist, right before the stand down training, I was assaulted by my entire company. Want to know why? Because I was promoted. Hazing is real. But that's a different story for another time. What my point in adding this bit to this blog entry is this: we were not allowed to speak of many, many different things that might offend someone. While I don't condone hazing, assault, or any other unwanted physical attention; holy crap! Are we, in the effort to prevent bad behavior, going to prevent all behavior??? Seems like we threw out the baby with the bath water.
Fast forward to today. Not 'today' but I mean current time. My kids were in an assembly not too long ago, where they were asked to sign a contract promising to not say or use the word 'retarded.' Now, first, I think this is bullshit. You can't stick my kid in an assembly, interrupting the education curriculum, to talk about using a singular word. For real??? I think they'll learn a lot more by actually staying in class than wasting what little time they have in front of the teacher, hearing about how shameful and naughty it is to use the word 'retarded.' I think the assembly was retarded!!! For the record; I have never, never used the word in conjunction with a person who was physically or mentally handicapped. In fact, I never use any diagnostic words when I'm referring to a person who is challenged in any way. I refer to them by name, or based on their relation to another person (as in, Ted's kid, etc). But if something is stupid, or undeveloped, or delayed, I say it's retarded because that is what the word means.
Here, this is my proof:
re·tard
/rɪˈtɑrd, for 1–3, 5; ˈritɑrd for 4/ [ri-tahrd, for 1–3, 5; ree-tahrd for 4]–verb (used with object)
1. to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.
–verb (used without object)
2. to be delayed.
–noun
3. a slowing down, diminution, or hindrance, as in a machine.
4. Slang: Disparaging .
a. a mentally retarded person.
b. a person who is stupid, obtuse, or ineffective in some way: a hopeless social retard.
5. Automotive, Machinery . an adjustment made in the setting of the distributor of an internal-combustion engine so that the spark for ignition in each cylinder is generated later in the cycle.
— adj
ESN mental handicap See also subnormal underdeveloped, esp mentally and esp having an IQ of 70 to 85
And there was another slang definition which was a modified definition (happens when words take on new meanings and uses) which was "bad or defective as in "this old DVD player is retarded. Time for a new one."
Citation http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/retarded
So you see, my kid's school illegally pressured these kids, under duress (because they were asked to sign the paper collectively in front of the entire assembly) to illegally sign a document (no one under the age of 18 can legally enter into any contractual obligation with anyone else) that couldn't possibly serve any useful purpose except to persecute those who openly refused to sign (like my daughter). All for what??? To promise not to offend mentally or physically challenged people? Or are we so fragile, we don't like to be reminded of other's handicaps? Or are we so struggling with the Darwin theory that we hope everyone is gifted with all the same gifts and strengths and no one has any weaknesses? Or have we gotten so gluttonously lazy that we want everyone to have equal outcome without expending equal effort? All of this sounds like a pile of bullshit! One word. Focus all your attention on one word, and you're going to miss the meaning of the sentence. You're going to miss the heart of the book. Focus on one word, and what's the point of talking at all?
While we're on the topic of singular words that blow every one's skirts up... Let's talk about 'gay.' Now, I remember when people were just starting to use the word to mean 'homosexual.' I had no idea what they meant at first. But, as I grew, and learned about homosexuality and exactly what it was that two women did together, and what two men did together; I came to understand what 'gay' meant, from that perspective. Later in life, 'gay' took on a new meaning. But so did other words. For instance, when my then 16 year old sister came home with a bunch of new clothes (in 1985), she said that she "just bought a bunch of killer new clothes." Now, she did not mean that she bought clothes a 'killer' would wear; or that she planned on 'killing' anyone wearing the clothes. Of course she only meant that they were stylish and hip. DUH. But no one latched onto that little gem. Not sure why,.. I mean, the families of murder victims could certainly complain that such use of the term was inconsiderate and disrespectful to their loss. But so far, that hasn't happened.
And when I arrived in New England, I was treated to a new term: wicked. I will recant the tale of my then 13 year old relative as she told me about a dance she went to... "it was sooooo wicked!!" Now, I was certain that she meant the dance was thoroughly enjoyable, and perhaps even gleaned that she'd had a great time. Not once did I consider that the students at the dance might have been participating in black magic rituals, or satanic rites. Not even for a second did I consider that the evil host of hell had risen to attend a high school dance. I think many parents would have had their knickers in a twist if it had been "evil, or morally bad in principle or practice."
So, I return again to the word 'gay.' What is the fucking deal? Why am I accosted with stupid commercials about "watch what you say" and "do you think before you speak?" Yes, I do think before I speak. And, as a veteran of the United States, free citizen of this amazing country, I have the freedom to say whatever the flying freaking monkeys I want to say. I volunteered to fight for my country and defend all our rights. I threw live hand grenades for crying out loud. I sneezed snot and phlegm from my nose, and mouth, with tears streaming from my eyes in the gas chamber. Damn it, don't I get to say whatever I want to say? Especially when all I'm really saying is that something, or someone is acting in an unintelligent manner? And what of the gay community? Are they really offended by this practice? I mean, to be gay does not mean one is inherently stupid or unnecessary. Being gay just means you're either happy, gleeful, or you like to have sex with people who have the same sex organs as you do. But, when I say, "Oh my God. That is gay!" I am not saying that the gay community has any relevance to what I am dealing with. Not related. Not linked. No offense was meant. None should have been taken. Of my gay friends, and there are MANY,.. they are all tough, intelligent, sarcastic, really well-spoken and outspoken people. They don't linger about, lamenting the misuse of the term. Neither should anyone else. And the fact that tax dollars were spent to make dumb-ass commercials vilifying the use of a stupid singular word is appalling.
My very favorite word is 'fuck.' Why? Because, it is a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, everything. It is a complete sentence, all by itself. And it is a multi-tasker. People get offended by the f-bomb. Can't really say why either. Like Whoppi Goldberg says, "fuck isn't nearly as offensive as some words: stupid, worthless, dumb." I agree with her. I don't agree with her politics, but I don't have to. The basic sentiment is this: words shouldn't offend you. Actions should. Just because I say 'fuck' shouldn't offend you, though if you choose to get offended, that is your right. However, your rights end where they abut everyone else's rights.
That is really the crux of it: YOUR RIGHTS END WHERE THEY ABUT THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS!!!! With all the money spent on therapy and counselling services, and all the effort applied to self-help crap; how can we all be so fucking (yes, I dropped it) pretentious and uptight about WORDS!!!!! I get it,.. words hurt. People can cut you straight through your soul with the words they say, and they might even do it on purpose. Jesus H. Christ Almighty!!! Are you kidding me??? "That which does not destroy me, only makes me stronger!!!" Start out by surviving WORDS!!!
If you are broken down by some asshat who assaults you with words; reach out to others. Get support. Sure, there are people who use words like weapons, they strike you down, and know that you have nothing. There are also people who have been there, done that, and are ready to support you. Reach out and get supported, get help, and get the hell away from people who use their words to hurt you. But, for crying out loud (or bitching in a blog), don't try to limit freedom of speech! Don't tell me what I can or cant' say because some other person used words to wound. And if I wound you, use YOUR words to express that fact and let me use MY words to make amends. We shouldn't be stopping speech, or limiting it; we need to speak more clearly and stop all this exaggeration and lying.
FREEDOM OF SPEECH,.. I say "use it or lose it" my friends. Any sort of censure is just retarded and gay.
And, for those of you who might be interested in the history of the word 'fuck,' here you go!!!
fuck
–verb (used with object)
1. to have sexual intercourse with.
2. Slang . to treat unfairly or harshly.
–verb (used without object)
3. to have sexual intercourse.
4. Slang . to meddle (usually fol. by around or with ).
–interjection
5. Slang . (used to express anger, disgust, peremptory rejection, etc., often fol. by a pronoun, as you or it. )
–noun
6. an act of sexual intercourse.
7. a partner in sexual intercourse.
8. Slang . a person, esp. one who is annoying or contemptible.
9. the fuck, Slang . (used as an intensifier, esp. with WH-questions, to express annoyance, impatience, etc.) —Verb phrases
10. fuck around, Slang .
a. to behave in a frivolous or meddlesome way.
b. to engage in promiscuous sex.
11. fuck off, Slang .
a. to shirk one's duty; malinger.
b. go away: used as an exclamation of impatience.
c. to waste time.
12. fuck up, Slang .
a. to bungle or botch; ruin.
b. to act stupidly or carelessly; cause trouble; mess up. —Idiom
13. give a fuck, Slang . to care; be concerned.
Origin: 1495–1505; akin to MD fokken to thrust, copulate with, Sw dial. focka to copulate with, strike, push, fock penis —Related forms
fucky, adjective
Dictionary.com Unabridged Based on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2010.
World English Dictionary
fuck (fʌk)
— vb
1. to have sexual intercourse with (someone)
— n
2. an act of sexual intercourse
3. a partner in sexual intercourse, esp one of specified competence or experience
4. not care a fuck , not give a fuck not to care at all
— interj
5. offensive an expression of strong disgust or anger (often in exclamatory phrases such as fuck you! fuck it! etc)
usage
The use and overuse of fuck in the everyday speech of many people has led, to some extent, to a lessening of its impact as an expletive. However, the word still retains its shock value, although it is less now than it was when the critic Kenneth Tynan caused controversy by saying it on British television in 1965
Collins English Dictionary - Complete & Unabridged 10th Edition 2009 © William Collins Sons & Co. Ltd. 1979, 1986 © HarperCollins Publishers 1998, 2000, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2009
Word Origin & History fuck
a difficult word to trace, in part because it was taboo to the editors of the original OED when the "F" volume was compiled, 1893-97. Written form only attested from early 16c. OED 2nd edition cites 1503, in the form fukkit ; earliest appearance of current spelling is 1535 -- "Bischops ... may fuck thair fill and be vnmaryit" [Sir David Lyndesay, "Ane Satyre of the Thrie Estaits" ], but presumably it is a much more ancient word than that, simply one that wasn't likely to be written in the kind of texts that have survived from O.E. and M.E. Buck cites proper name John le Fucker from 1278. The word apparently is hinted at in a scurrilous 15c. poem, titled "Flen flyys," written in bastard L. and M.E. The relevant line reads:
Non sunt in celi quia fuccant uuiuys of heli "They [the monks] are not in heaven because they fuck the wives of Ely." Fuccant is pseudo-Latin, and in the original it is written in cipher. The earliest examples of the word otherwise are from Scottish, which suggests a Scandinavian origin, perhaps from a word akin to Norw. dial. fukka "copulate," or Swedish dial. focka "copulate, strike, push," and fock "penis." Another theory traces it to M.E. fkye, fike "move restlessly, fidget," which also meant "dally, flirt," and probably is from a general North Sea Gmc. word, cf. M.Du. fokken, Ger. ficken "fuck," earlier "make quick movements to and fro, flick," still earlier "itch, scratch;" the vulgar sense attested from 16c. This would parallel in sense the usual M.E. slang term for "have sexual intercourse," swive , from O.E. swifan "to move lightly over, sweep" (see swivel). Chronology and phonology rule out Shipley's attempt to derive it from M.E. firk "to press hard, beat." As a noun, it dates from 1680. French foutre and Italian fottere look like the English word but are unrelated, derived rather from L. futuere , which is perhaps from PIE base *bhau(t)- "knock, strike off," extended via a figurative use "from the sexual application of violent action" [Shipley; cf. the sexual slang use of bang , etc.]. Popular and Internet derivations from acronyms (and the "pluck yew" fable) are merely ingenious trifling. The O.E. word was hæman , from ham "dwelling, home," with a sense of "take home, co-habit." Fuck was outlawed in print in England (by the Obscene Publications Act, 1857) and the U.S. (by the Comstock Act, 1873). The word may have been shunned in print, but it continued in conversation, especially among soldiers during WWI.
"It became so common that an effective way for the soldier to express this emotion was to omit this word. Thus if a sergeant said, 'Get your ----ing rifles!' it was understood as a matter of routine. But if he said 'Get your rifles!' there was an immediate implication of urgency and danger." [John Brophy, "Songs and Slang of the British Soldier: 1914-1918," pub. 1930] The legal barriers broke down in the 20th century, with the "Ulysses" decision (U.S., 1933) and "Lady Chatterley's Lover" (U.S., 1959; U.K., 1960). Johnson excluded the word, and fuck wasn't in a single English language dictionary from 1795 to 1965. "The Penguin Dictionary" broke the taboo in the latter year. Houghton Mifflin followed, in 1969, with "The American Heritage Dictionary," but it also published a "Clean Green" edition without the word, to assure itself access to the lucrative public high school market. The abbreviation F (or eff ) probably began as euphemistic, but by 1943 it was being used as a cuss word, too. In 1948, the publishers of "The Naked and the Dead" persuaded Norman Mailer to use the euphemism fug instead. When Mailer later was introduced to Dorothy Parker, she greeted him with, "So you're the man who can't spell 'fuck' " [The quip sometimes is attributed to Tallulah Bankhead]. Hemingway used muck in "For whom the Bell Tolls" (1940). The major breakthrough in publication was James Jones' "From Here to Eternity" (1950), with 50 fucks (down from 258 in the original manuscript). Egyptian legal agreements from the 23rd Dynasty (749-21 B.C.E.) frequently include the phrase, "If you do not obey this decree, may a donkey copulate with you!" [Reinhold Aman, "Maledicta," Summer 1977]. Fuck-all "nothing" first recorded 1960. Verbal phrase fuck up "to ruin, spoil, destroy" first attested c.1916. A widespread group of Slavic words (cf. Pol. pierdolić ) can mean both "fornicate" and "make a mistake." Fuck off attested from 1929; as a command to depart, by 1944. Flying fuck originally meant "have sex on horseback" and is first attested c.1800 in broadside ballad "New Feats of Horsemanship." For the unkillable urban legend that this word is an acronym of some sort (a fiction traceable on the Internet to 1995 but probably predating that) see here, and also here. Related: Fucked ; fucking . Agent noun fucker attested from 1590s in literal sense; by 1893 as a term of abuse (or admiration).
Online Etymology Dictionary, © 2010 Douglas Harper
Citation: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fuck
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Thoughts on turning 40
Exactly three people have asked me how I felt about turning 40. In roughly 31 minutes, I'll let you know...
I'm watching LA Ink, eating rice crackers and wondering what the hell is going on in the world. What do I feel about turning 40? Shit, I don't even feel 30 yet. I just recently figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up,.. I have no idea what I feel about turning 40!!!
One thing I can say with certainty is that 2010 is turning out to be one hell of a fucking year. Our world is so radically different from the world of 2000. What were we scared of back then? We were afraid the world would melt when the computers tried to roll the dates over from two digit yearly indicators to four. We were half certain that they would grow legs, and beat the shit out of us. It was sort of a let-down that nothing happened. We had no idea what was around the bend; literally the very next bend!
Whether it's MY age or THE age, what I've noticed most is that everything is 'kicked up a notch.' It sometimes feels like we're all trying to live out our lives in a superlative contest to see who is the biggest, baddest, worst, best, most extreme, least significant. When did that shit start? When did we start living at the speed of binary code? When did we start feeling insignificant without using as many adjectives as possible? I found myself doing exactly that the other day. Instead of just saying I was pissed, I said, "I was so pissed I went out of my mind." First of all, was I really that pissed? Did I really go out of my mind? Of course not. I was just pissed; a natural state of being for me. The moment wasn't any more or less significant than any other times when I was pissed. And, how weak can I be letting myself appear so frail and fragile that I can't tolerate someone not doing what I want? The truth is, our world is lived in the gray area ... for the most part. I mean, we don't have the most extreme things occurring every single day -- not even most days. Our lives are truly lived in the gray matter.
Another thing that has me freaked about middle age is that I'm not nearly as smart as I thought I should be at this point. I thought that, by now, I wouldn't be so easily beguiled by people. I thought, by forty, I would be more circumspect, more wise. But, I'm not. I'm still really naive. That really scares me. Also, I seem to be getting dumber. Ten years ago, I would not have used the word "dumber." Tonight, it seems just right. While my kids move forward at the speed of light, they surpassed my intelligence years ago. They ask me questions that sometimes make me wonder if I really did have my head up my ass all these years. After 40 years, I am still too trusting, too naive, still mired in self-doubt and self-recriminations; basically, I'm still me. And, I've come full circle. The thoughts and dreams I had ten and twenty years ago, have returned to me and I can remember having felt those things the first time around.
I was accused of being hit with a mid-life crisis. No, I'm not. I wasn't. Never happened. If anything, I'm only rediscovering the best and most beautiful aspects of who I've always been. I'm wanting to be unafraid of letting my true colors show. I'm wanting to be accepted for who I am, inside out. I no longer wish to wear the person that others expect me to be. I want to just be and let go of expectations; both theirs and mine. I want to be free. Don't we all? Even here, I haven't blogged in a long time. Wanna know why? It's because I'm afraid. At 39 years old, I've been afraid to speak my mind. Mostly, I was told that we (society at large) are not allowed to speak our mind -- not allowed to without harsh consequences. Even in anonymous ways. The person who told me that said that no one could say whatever they wanted, not ever. And, I've been held by my feetsies over the fire for my words lately. It hasn't been fun at all. In fact, it sucks donkey balls. I hate it. Not being able to speak freely. Being afraid.
I do suppose that is the thing that makes me most igged out about turning 40 (in two minutes). The fact is, after 40 years, I am still afraid. And, still feel the sting of loneliness. I am still not free, and hoping for a place and space to speak my mind freely. I don't want to be afraid anymore. And yet, there it is. The fear that those closest to me, are really going to get me in the end (probably because they have). It's paranoia at its finest and I am truly afraid to be exactly who I am.
CLICK!!!
That's it. I just turned 40 years old. How does it feel? *sigh* It feels empty. It's midnight, my fortieth birthday, my little one's are sleeping and I'm up, alone, at the computer. I sit here with my fears and apprehensions. I sit here with my words, and wonder how my brain could concoct anything that anyone would consider dangerous. I wonder how I can be so affected by others, who are seemingly not affected by me. I wonder at how I can be scrutinized and judged. I wonder about the world, the one I came from, the one I live in now. I wonder about the world my children will head toward. 40 is just plain scary.
Thinking about where I thought our world was headed, I am sad that we missed the mark so badly. And yet, there is hope. Because tomorrow, I'll be forty years old, plus one day. And for 364ish more days, I can still say that I am just 40, and have the whole year to work on creating a better tomorrow, a better world. Today begins and I still can try, can fight to make it what it ought to have been. I can still work to make my life, and the lives of my children better, brighter happier places. I can still work to be a better person; smarter, more compassionate, more aware. Hope, that's my final thought around turning 40... There is hope and love and passion. Most of all, there's still fight inside me. Hello 40,.. I plan on kicking the shit out of you!!!
I'm watching LA Ink, eating rice crackers and wondering what the hell is going on in the world. What do I feel about turning 40? Shit, I don't even feel 30 yet. I just recently figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up,.. I have no idea what I feel about turning 40!!!
One thing I can say with certainty is that 2010 is turning out to be one hell of a fucking year. Our world is so radically different from the world of 2000. What were we scared of back then? We were afraid the world would melt when the computers tried to roll the dates over from two digit yearly indicators to four. We were half certain that they would grow legs, and beat the shit out of us. It was sort of a let-down that nothing happened. We had no idea what was around the bend; literally the very next bend!
Whether it's MY age or THE age, what I've noticed most is that everything is 'kicked up a notch.' It sometimes feels like we're all trying to live out our lives in a superlative contest to see who is the biggest, baddest, worst, best, most extreme, least significant. When did that shit start? When did we start living at the speed of binary code? When did we start feeling insignificant without using as many adjectives as possible? I found myself doing exactly that the other day. Instead of just saying I was pissed, I said, "I was so pissed I went out of my mind." First of all, was I really that pissed? Did I really go out of my mind? Of course not. I was just pissed; a natural state of being for me. The moment wasn't any more or less significant than any other times when I was pissed. And, how weak can I be letting myself appear so frail and fragile that I can't tolerate someone not doing what I want? The truth is, our world is lived in the gray area ... for the most part. I mean, we don't have the most extreme things occurring every single day -- not even most days. Our lives are truly lived in the gray matter.
Another thing that has me freaked about middle age is that I'm not nearly as smart as I thought I should be at this point. I thought that, by now, I wouldn't be so easily beguiled by people. I thought, by forty, I would be more circumspect, more wise. But, I'm not. I'm still really naive. That really scares me. Also, I seem to be getting dumber. Ten years ago, I would not have used the word "dumber." Tonight, it seems just right. While my kids move forward at the speed of light, they surpassed my intelligence years ago. They ask me questions that sometimes make me wonder if I really did have my head up my ass all these years. After 40 years, I am still too trusting, too naive, still mired in self-doubt and self-recriminations; basically, I'm still me. And, I've come full circle. The thoughts and dreams I had ten and twenty years ago, have returned to me and I can remember having felt those things the first time around.
I was accused of being hit with a mid-life crisis. No, I'm not. I wasn't. Never happened. If anything, I'm only rediscovering the best and most beautiful aspects of who I've always been. I'm wanting to be unafraid of letting my true colors show. I'm wanting to be accepted for who I am, inside out. I no longer wish to wear the person that others expect me to be. I want to just be and let go of expectations; both theirs and mine. I want to be free. Don't we all? Even here, I haven't blogged in a long time. Wanna know why? It's because I'm afraid. At 39 years old, I've been afraid to speak my mind. Mostly, I was told that we (society at large) are not allowed to speak our mind -- not allowed to without harsh consequences. Even in anonymous ways. The person who told me that said that no one could say whatever they wanted, not ever. And, I've been held by my feetsies over the fire for my words lately. It hasn't been fun at all. In fact, it sucks donkey balls. I hate it. Not being able to speak freely. Being afraid.
I do suppose that is the thing that makes me most igged out about turning 40 (in two minutes). The fact is, after 40 years, I am still afraid. And, still feel the sting of loneliness. I am still not free, and hoping for a place and space to speak my mind freely. I don't want to be afraid anymore. And yet, there it is. The fear that those closest to me, are really going to get me in the end (probably because they have). It's paranoia at its finest and I am truly afraid to be exactly who I am.
CLICK!!!
That's it. I just turned 40 years old. How does it feel? *sigh* It feels empty. It's midnight, my fortieth birthday, my little one's are sleeping and I'm up, alone, at the computer. I sit here with my fears and apprehensions. I sit here with my words, and wonder how my brain could concoct anything that anyone would consider dangerous. I wonder how I can be so affected by others, who are seemingly not affected by me. I wonder at how I can be scrutinized and judged. I wonder about the world, the one I came from, the one I live in now. I wonder about the world my children will head toward. 40 is just plain scary.
Thinking about where I thought our world was headed, I am sad that we missed the mark so badly. And yet, there is hope. Because tomorrow, I'll be forty years old, plus one day. And for 364ish more days, I can still say that I am just 40, and have the whole year to work on creating a better tomorrow, a better world. Today begins and I still can try, can fight to make it what it ought to have been. I can still work to make my life, and the lives of my children better, brighter happier places. I can still work to be a better person; smarter, more compassionate, more aware. Hope, that's my final thought around turning 40... There is hope and love and passion. Most of all, there's still fight inside me. Hello 40,.. I plan on kicking the shit out of you!!!
Monday, August 16, 2010
The Expendables
Good, happy, funny, light-hearted, exciting, silly.
Those are the words I use to describe this movie. It was simply good happy fun. Of course, you don't sit there wondering about realism,.. although I did ask out loud how Jet Li produced the clip that matched the weapon that wasn't his, out of his own back pocket..... whatever.... thank God he had that extra clip. Just goes to show you: never throw anything away!!!
At a point, you have to start asking when movies got all educational? I just love the movies that have come out this summer (even though I had to endure Eclipse with them...). Sometimes, good clean fun is exactly what the doctor ordered. In a time when I am so sick of self-aggrandizing reality shows where non-heros show us all exactly how unheroic we can be; it's nice to watch a movie about a hero with suspect morals, come to the place where he's challenged deep in his soul, and emerges victorious. He even walks away without the girl!!! So there's a bit of reality dosed in there too!!!
Jason Statham... you my friend, are my hero. Wow. While I did not appreciate the Transporter series (got a bit toooo silly for me), he did superb in this movie. And both Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenneger (sp??) were super cut and looked good for all the 3 seconds they were in the film. Who knew Randy Couture could act??? Awesome job fighter-boy. Seriously, he actually did really, really well. Perhaps Chuck has a future in acting as well, and then we could make a seriously funny movie with Couture, Jackson AND Liddell. Hey, maybe they could be a group of MMA fighters, who get framed for something in Okinawa, and they have to go on the lam, all the while dodging the Yakuza, and trying to find their 'yoda' who will lead them out of darkness.... well I'd watch it,... would even pay.
Jet Li doesn't get a big mention here, but he was awesome. He is, after all, a well-paid actor who's been doing this shit for a long, long time now. And Sly,... wow. I had forgotten that the man is not a brainless brick. He was really good and I was impressed at the range of emotion he showed. All, in all, a GREAT flick.
And that brings me to the idea of all the great flicks this summer. Off the top of my head,... Losers, A-Team, and this movie; The Expendables. Common theme,.. great acting, fun explosions and great action. The hero is still the hero, at the end of the day. And the bad guys are easy to spot and eliminate. That's Americana-Feel-Good right there. It doesn't glorify 'violence' per se,... just the idea that when things go wrong, sometimes you really DO need to blow something up. Society might demand pc, and proper language, and consciensious speech. But, from time to time, the world needs to have its ass swatted.
Those are the words I use to describe this movie. It was simply good happy fun. Of course, you don't sit there wondering about realism,.. although I did ask out loud how Jet Li produced the clip that matched the weapon that wasn't his, out of his own back pocket..... whatever.... thank God he had that extra clip. Just goes to show you: never throw anything away!!!
At a point, you have to start asking when movies got all educational? I just love the movies that have come out this summer (even though I had to endure Eclipse with them...). Sometimes, good clean fun is exactly what the doctor ordered. In a time when I am so sick of self-aggrandizing reality shows where non-heros show us all exactly how unheroic we can be; it's nice to watch a movie about a hero with suspect morals, come to the place where he's challenged deep in his soul, and emerges victorious. He even walks away without the girl!!! So there's a bit of reality dosed in there too!!!
Jason Statham... you my friend, are my hero. Wow. While I did not appreciate the Transporter series (got a bit toooo silly for me), he did superb in this movie. And both Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenneger (sp??) were super cut and looked good for all the 3 seconds they were in the film. Who knew Randy Couture could act??? Awesome job fighter-boy. Seriously, he actually did really, really well. Perhaps Chuck has a future in acting as well, and then we could make a seriously funny movie with Couture, Jackson AND Liddell. Hey, maybe they could be a group of MMA fighters, who get framed for something in Okinawa, and they have to go on the lam, all the while dodging the Yakuza, and trying to find their 'yoda' who will lead them out of darkness.... well I'd watch it,... would even pay.
Jet Li doesn't get a big mention here, but he was awesome. He is, after all, a well-paid actor who's been doing this shit for a long, long time now. And Sly,... wow. I had forgotten that the man is not a brainless brick. He was really good and I was impressed at the range of emotion he showed. All, in all, a GREAT flick.
And that brings me to the idea of all the great flicks this summer. Off the top of my head,... Losers, A-Team, and this movie; The Expendables. Common theme,.. great acting, fun explosions and great action. The hero is still the hero, at the end of the day. And the bad guys are easy to spot and eliminate. That's Americana-Feel-Good right there. It doesn't glorify 'violence' per se,... just the idea that when things go wrong, sometimes you really DO need to blow something up. Society might demand pc, and proper language, and consciensious speech. But, from time to time, the world needs to have its ass swatted.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Tears
I do not know the chemical
Composition of tears
But there must be some salt
And water
Water, because it flows so
Evenly
Neatly from my eyes
Down my cheeks
And off my chin
Salt, because it stings
And tastes salty
Bitter
Like the pain
Warm from the heat off my cheeks
My body must make a lot of it
Because it doesn't stop flowing
There must be too much
In my system
For my body to be getting rid
Of so much
At one time
Composition of tears
But there must be some salt
And water
Water, because it flows so
Evenly
Neatly from my eyes
Down my cheeks
And off my chin
Salt, because it stings
And tastes salty
Bitter
Like the pain
Warm from the heat off my cheeks
My body must make a lot of it
Because it doesn't stop flowing
There must be too much
In my system
For my body to be getting rid
Of so much
At one time
Darkness Overwhelms Me
I step out into the sunlight
But the darkness follows me there,
Pulling at my shirt-tails
I'll never be free
Squinting at the drops of light
Squeezing through the branches
Of the trees
I see what might have been
What once lured passion
From my soul
Now beats and batters my heart
I cry
Real tears run down my face
What might have been
Sunny and happy
Slaps me, tears me apart
Once I held the corners of the world
Sublime perfection and greed
Now I can be bought and sold
Or given away for free
All that I was
Now dissipates into the air
And there is little more
Than a quivering skeleton
Casting all fame and glory aside
Accepting fate, and solitude
As my lover and keeper
Seldom my need
Hardly a loving friend
If ever a friend at all
Loving less than need be
If ever a need there was
Depending on all that is
Sure to fail me
Yet desperately hoping to
Be wrong about the right things
Respecting those houses built on stone
Yearning for the sand
Staying never fleeing
Nor flying; slowly dying
Faithful to that which is
Sure to molest
Will never respect
Nor definitively love
This life
A life long-lasting for sure
Filled with short lives
Of more important characters
More like a play
I am the understudy
Of my own role
An extra in my life
A maid or a lover
A friend and a mother
An object, a thing
To be used, abused and forgotten
Yet loved, somehow
Misunderstanding life
If life ever could
Be understood
If only I had what I needed
To survive my life
To understand the why
Then I might find my life
More worthy to be lived.
I wrote this piece a hundred years ago. Funny as it has become prophetic for me. In fact, nearly twenty years have passed since I first brought pen to paper on this one. And yet, I find that whatever forward motion I have made in my life, I am still here, in this place: confused, hurt, and alone. No wonder I AM ANGRYFACE.
But the darkness follows me there,
Pulling at my shirt-tails
I'll never be free
Squinting at the drops of light
Squeezing through the branches
Of the trees
I see what might have been
What once lured passion
From my soul
Now beats and batters my heart
I cry
Real tears run down my face
What might have been
Sunny and happy
Slaps me, tears me apart
Once I held the corners of the world
Sublime perfection and greed
Now I can be bought and sold
Or given away for free
All that I was
Now dissipates into the air
And there is little more
Than a quivering skeleton
Casting all fame and glory aside
Accepting fate, and solitude
As my lover and keeper
Seldom my need
Hardly a loving friend
If ever a friend at all
Loving less than need be
If ever a need there was
Depending on all that is
Sure to fail me
Yet desperately hoping to
Be wrong about the right things
Respecting those houses built on stone
Yearning for the sand
Staying never fleeing
Nor flying; slowly dying
Faithful to that which is
Sure to molest
Will never respect
Nor definitively love
This life
A life long-lasting for sure
Filled with short lives
Of more important characters
More like a play
I am the understudy
Of my own role
An extra in my life
A maid or a lover
A friend and a mother
An object, a thing
To be used, abused and forgotten
Yet loved, somehow
Misunderstanding life
If life ever could
Be understood
If only I had what I needed
To survive my life
To understand the why
Then I might find my life
More worthy to be lived.
I wrote this piece a hundred years ago. Funny as it has become prophetic for me. In fact, nearly twenty years have passed since I first brought pen to paper on this one. And yet, I find that whatever forward motion I have made in my life, I am still here, in this place: confused, hurt, and alone. No wonder I AM ANGRYFACE.
Amused
Someone tried to use this blog and my other online shit against me. Their claim was that people were reading my shit, and making judgments about them!!! Holy crap Batman. No, no one reads this stupid shitty blog. It's why I write it,.. cause I know no one gives a shit what I write and certainly, no one bothers to read it in the overwhelming ocean that is Blogspot. I mean, seriously,... there are NO indications that ANYONE reads this. So, I'm not really worried about assumptions or opinions.
And I'm certainly not worried about comments...
;-D
And I'm certainly not worried about comments...
;-D
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